Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Genesis Chapter 17 and 18

Chapter 17: 

We're still hanging in there with Abram and all his wacky adventures. Now he's 90 years old and God talks to him about the kid thing again. He goes on and on about how his kids will be kings and rule nations so long as Abram does him a tiny favor: remove his own foreskin. God isn't really clear on why this is necessary but Abram doesn't ask questions because he's baby crazy. Anyone who wishes to be apart of the covenant with Lord God must participate in the circumcision party. Obviously this includes Abram's son Ishmael and any future male descendants of Abram on their 8th day of life. God gets a little witty explaining this:

"And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people...Get it? See what I did there?"

 So Abram's family gets to be in the covenant club so long as they remove their foreskin. No word on how Abram's slaves benefit who also have to get circumcised.

God thinks it's time for a name change to fit Abram's new foreskin free image. Abram shall now get an extra "ha" and is now Abraham. Sarai, his wife who was of course not asked because ovaries, is now Sarah. Abram is cool with all this up until the point God promises that Abraham's 90-year-old wife is going to give birth to a son because after everything we've read so far that's what's ridiculous. Build a giant arc to fit 2 of every animal? Got it.  Leave everything  you know and just travel the world forever. You betcha. Circumcision party? Oh I was thinking of throwing one of those anyway. An old lady giving birth? Now you've gone too far.

Abraham is in hysterics, literally falling on his face with laughter. God patiently explains that this is going to happen and doesn't bother to mention that this isn't the most insane miracle he's ever performed. If fertility doctors can do it, Lord God can do it too.

God likes naming things and tells Abraham that his first son with Sarah will be named Isaac and Isaac will of course be blessed and have lots of prince producing seed. God says this will happen next year. After their little chat, Abraham goes a circumcising. Here's a lego reenactment:

by Brendan Powell Smith. all rights reserved "The Brick Testament" 
Chapter 18:

Lord God checks in with Abraham again in the form of three men but Abraham's a sharp guy and catches onto that. He invites them in and orders Sarah to make some cakes because Lord God has a sweet tooth especially when he's in the form of three men. God tells Sarah about the kid she's going to have with no mention of how painful that might be for a 90-year-old woman. Sarah laughs to herself with more discretion than Abraham managed but this still makes God super paranoid.

"And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh[?]"

What's so fucking funny Sarah?

Sarah tries to be polite and claims that she didn't laugh. God calls her out on it and says she did.

Nay; but though didst laugh.

Apparently it's fine if Abraham laughs and doubts him but God is really bothered by the laughter of women. I think he might have some mom issues to address.
The men get up and go for a stroll. God's got a plan that he's not sure if he should let Abraham in on. He finally decides that seeing as he's picking Abraham and his family to rule nations, he should probably be honest with him. God's sick of Sodom and Gomorrah's sinning and crying. He's going to go check things out and if he doesn't like what he sees, he's going to lay down some of that good old testament punishment on them. Abraham has some qualms with this. Abraham points out that wiping out all of the people is unjust. What is there are 50 nonsinners there that don't deserve to die? Now I'm thinking that it might have been awesome if Abraham had been around during the time of the flood to speak up about the same thing; instead, we got Noah who basically shrugged that all off and drank a wine vineyard.

Here is where I would have put a picture of Russell Crowe shrugging, however, that picture does not seem to exist because Russell Crowe is not indifferent about anything.

God takes Abraham's point very literally. "Yeah okay if there is EXACTLY 50 people sinfree in S&G, I'll spare those innocent people."

Abraham: "Okay...yeah....but what if there's 45? Are you going to kill everyone just because S&G are 5 short of that hypothetical number I suggested?"

God: "Okay....if there's 45 sinfree people, I'll spare those 45 people."

Abraham: "Yeah so 45 was hypothetical too, what if there's 40 innocent people?"

God: "40 it is then."

Abraham:  "Okay I hope I'm not pissing you off but...30? What if there's only 30 innocent people?"

God: "Okay EXACTLY 30."

Abraham: "...20?"

God: "Right-O exactly 20."

Abraham: "10?"

God: "Alrighty I will not destroy S&G if there's exactly 10 or more nice non sodomizing people there."

Abraham: "Yeah fuck it. Ten's good."

No comments:

Post a Comment