Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Genesis Chapter 21 and 22

Chapter 21: 

God keeps his promise and helps give the 90-year-old Sarah fertility treatments until she gives birth to Isaac. Abraham keeps his promise and circumcises Isaac once he is 8 days old. Sarah gets really paranoid about Abraham's other son Ishmael "mocking" her new perfect family. She's kind of had it out for the slave girl Hagar, who she suggested conceive with her husband in the first place, because Sarah does not know what the hell she wants. She demands that Abraham send his own son and Hagar away. Two words: high maintenance. Catelyn Stark was a way better wife.

Abraham understandably has some qualms about sending his firstborn away. God tells Abraham not to worry and just give into Sarah's demands because that seems like the easier option. "You know how she gets." God will look out for Ishmael and make sure he gets a nation. God gives away nations like Oprah gives away cars.

Modern day God.
 Abraham sends Hagar and his firstborn off with a bottle of water and some bread off into the wilderness. If this were a fairy tale, Sarah would be an evil stepmother and Abraham would be the pushover father. Hagar's water bottle runs out and she figures they're doomed. She stashes little Ishmael under a shrub because she does not want to see him die a slow dehydrated death and why couldn't Sarah get turned into a pillar of salt?

God hears the cries of Hagar and Ishmael and sends down an angel:

"Hey Hagar? Hey. Open your eyes. There's a well like right in front of your face."

And with that, their lives are saved and Ishmael grows up in the wilderness and learns to be a kickass archer like Robin Hood. Ishmael also finds himself a wife and by that, I mean his mother does in a vague, questionable way that only the bible would throw in casually:

"and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt."

I'm going to pretend that "took him a wife" involved consent and personal choice for everyone involved.

Abimelech the last guy Abraham and Sarah attempted to entrap, allowed the possibly semi incestuous couple to live on his land anyway because he's just that kind of guy. Abimelech goes to Abraham and asks that he always deals fairly with himself and his future descendants. Abraham says "Sure, but what about your servants who took away the well I built? Abimelech replies: "Well, I literally just heard about this from you 2 seconds ago so how was I supposed to do anything about it if you don't communicate with me?" Abraham is terrible with communication. Abi agrees to fix the issue and the two make a covenant with animal parts because that's what you do. Abraham grows some stuff on the land in God's name and things are good.

Chapter 22: 

I'm just going to say it. In this chapter, God is kind of a dick. There it is. "Hey Abraham you know that only son you love so much? (*cough* Ishmael *cough*) That son that I promised you'd have so long as you served me for years? That son we all made such a big deal about? I need you to go ahead and kill him for me. Just cause."

And Abraham doesn't question God's wishes this time. He at least bargained with him a little bit with the Sodom and Gomorrah thing. He questioned God killing off the innocent along with the sinners. Not this time though. He just loads his son up on an ass and gets to doing some morning filicide. He tells Isaac that he needs to go worship God and make an offering.

 Isaac: "Hey uh, where's the lamb?"

Abraham: "God will provide the lamb."

Clever answer Abraham. God did provide "the lamb" didn't he? You people are sick. Here's another lego reenactment because these things exist:

by Brendan Powell Smith. all rights reserved "The Brick Testament" 

Just as Abraham gets ready to knife his son up on the altar, God sends an angel.

"Woah, woah, hey just kidding. Didn't think you were actually going to do that. God knows you're loyal and fear him and stuff now."

God sounds a bit like a mafia leader. Gots to kill to show your loyalty. God makes a bunch more promises about the awesome plentiful seed Abraham is going to have now because he was willing to kill his son for him and I'm sure Abraham will get many "World's Greatest Dad" mugs to come, from the children he didn't try to murder.

1 comment:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.