Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Genesis Chapter 26 and 27

Chapter 26: 

Isaac and his family have to escape a famine like you do and runs into God for some good old fashioned covenant making like you do. God repeats the promise he made to Abraham about all the nations and babies and whatnot this family's going to produce down the line and Isaac says "cool."

Isaac goes to Abilemech's territory and like father like son that sunavabitch tells people that Rebekah is his sister. And Abilemech's all:

Isaac's excuse is that he doesn't want to die for his wife. Rebekah, like Isaac's mother Sarah, is super fine. Too fine for men not to have their way with her. These men will kill Isaac for such a chance. So the only way to make sure that they won't kill Isaac, is to tell these men that Rebekah isn't taken, just a sister, so you know, have at it. Isaac's more comfortable with his wife, the mother of his children, being raped by strangers because he can't risk dying for his wife. He's probably got altars to build. What swell guys in this story. Super romantic.

And Abimelech's all: "What is this though hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us." 

Let us take a moment to ruminate over the phrase "one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife." 

"Might lightly have lien?" Lightly? A light rape? Like someone falls into her on accident a couple of times? Which would have been just fine if she wasn't Isaac's wife? I mean...these are the good guys right? These are the protagonists? So like...what the hell were the Sodom and Gomorrah people up to if this behavior is just fine? I guess they must not have been into "lightly liens."

Anyway there's this whole thing with wells. Isaac's daddy Abraham built wells and Abimelech's servants filled those wells with dirts...because reasons. So Isaac and his people bravely go on an epic journey to re-dig the wells.
Chapter 27:

Isaac gets old and blind. He tells his oldest jock son Esau/Thor to go get him venison as his last meal and he'll bless him. He's only got one blessing to give...because reasons. Rebekah overhears this conversation and does some scheming. She calls her mommaboy Jacob/Loki over and tells him to bring some of his flock's meat to his father and pretend to be his brother in order to obtain the one blessing Isaac has to give.

Jacob/Loki has some concerns about pretending to be his brother. Exact quote right here: "Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man." 

In more ways than one. Amiright?

Rebekah solves this problem by putting animal fur on her son's hands and dressing him in Esau's clothes. Jacob successfully gets the blessing from his dying father. Isaac is a little confused that Esau sounds like Jacob but decides that if he smells and feels like Esau, that's good enough. Blessings are like super powers in The Holy Bible. It sounds like Jacob's brother and his descendants will have to serve him and if anyone curses him, they're screwed.

Later Esau/Thor shows up with his venison. He goes to his confused father and figures out what Jacob/Loki has done. He begs his father to bless him as well.

Isaac: "Nope. I gave all the good ones to your brother already. You're his servant now btw."

Esau/Thor: "You sure? Sure there's not anything else? Like a time share you maybe forgot about?"

Isaac: "Okay okay. You're going to have a fat house and the dew of heaven but you're still your brother's servant until 'though shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.' "

I'm going to assume separating one's yoke from one's neck is a bad thing. So Esau/Thor's going to kill his brother. Rebekah overhears this because she's a nosy little lady and she relays the information to her mommaboy. She tells him to run off to relatives in Haran. This is probably the best chapter cliffhanger so far.

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