Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Genesis Chapter 23-5

Genesis Chapter 23: 

Sarah the foxy entrapping wife dies at 127 years old and was foxy to her last dying breath. Abraham talks to the people of Heth about where he can bury her. They say anywhere because he's special and blessed and whatnot. Abraham decides he'd like to bury her in Ephron's field and Ephron lets him for 300 shekels. There isn't any arguing or entrapping or attempted son killing or plaguing. Things just happen without anyone invoking the wrath of God.


Genesis Chapter 24: 

Abraham decides it's time for his son to marry because at this time this is something parents can do. He sends a servant to find his son a wife because people don't do their own wooing in this book, they get other people to do it. It's a lot like this website I saw where rich busy men can't be bothered to actually communicate with women so they get modern day servants to ghostwrite as the men to message women online for them. I'm sure this leads to healthy stable relationships in the future.

For some reason when Abraham talks to people he requires that they touch his thigh:

"Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh"


"And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter."

The servant has some doubts about finding a girl willing to go all the way to Isaac; it's not that young women have a problem marrying strangers, it's the travel time. Abraham says not to worry because angels will take care of it. Angels always take care of it. The servant finally agrees after pinky promising with Abraham's thigh and ventures out to find a low maintenance virgin. The servant finds said virgin pretty easily by a body of water, she's very accommodating and trusting.

She takes him back to her family who immediately believe the servant that God wants their daughter to go off with this strange man to marry another strange man. Their one stipulation was for their daughter, Rebekah, to stay another 10 days with them to say their goodbyes. The servant says absolutely not because God's on a tight schedule. The family relents but it all works out because they get paid with jewels and sheep probably. The girl doesn't argue or have problem with any of this at all which tells you this was written by men. Clearly James and Jesus have never interacted with a teenage girl in their whole life.

Luckily Rebekah seems to like Isaac. When she sees him, she jumps off her horse very dramatically and presumably the wind whips her long locks of hair around while Isaac takes her in his arms and immediately to his tent where he gets to "know" her. Best funeral present ever.

Chapter 25: 

Abraham takes another wife named Keturah because he's not going to let incredibly old age stop him from producing as many children as there are stars. Theres more begatting and I'm not giving you a circus story this time.

Abraham also has concubines because he is basically Hugh Hefner. He gives his bastard children gifts and sends them away from his one precious legitimate son Isaac.

Abraham lives to be 175 and was probably begatting and/or altar building down to his dying breath. His sons Isaac and Ishmael bury him with Sarah. After Abraham dies, God blesses Isaac because he likes to play mind games with brothers. There's some more begatting from Ishmael's side but nothing more interesting than that which is a shame because I really thought he would have more Robin Hood like adventures.

Isaac's special water serving wife Rebekah is barren. Some men like long legs or big breasts, but the Abraham family seems to have a thing for defective ovaries. Isaac gets in touch with God and God just fixes it without putting him through all the crap he did to Abraham to have a kid. Rebekah has twins which God says will be two nations. One will be stronger and the older will have to serve the younger. It's all very ominous.

The slightly older twin is Esau who comes out red "like an hairy garment." I do not pretend to understand this analogy. Jacob comes second holding onto Esau's heel. As they grow up, Esau is essentially the golden boy jock loved by his father while Jacob the mama's boy is the sensitive artsy one, making pottage. Think Thor and Loki.

One day Esau comes from the field and is faint and apparently dying? Sooo why was Esau on the verge of dying? What kind of family is this? Do their parents just...not feed them? It sounds pretty urgent. Esau asks his little brother to help him out and feed him some delicious red pottage. I guess that's...food? Jacob's kind of a dick and won't feed his dying brother unless:

"Sell me this day thy birthright."

See what I was talking about?

Why can't brothers just get along in this book? Is that the theme? I'm sensing that's the theme. Anyway Esau sells his birthright for pottage. I'm not really sure what selling your birthrate entails but it doesn't sound pleasant. The chapter ends with Esau despising his birthright.


  1. Ismael is totally Robin Hood-esque if you look at the story from a Muslim POV.

  2. Oh my goodness. I loved does about Jacob and Esau before, but now you just made them 270% better. I can't unsee them as Thor and Loki now, nor would I ever want to.