Sunday, October 1, 2017

Judges 21

Good news. This is the last chapter of Judges.

Bad news. My head hurts from the amount of stupidity I had to read in this chapter.

In the last chapter, the Israelites went to war with the Benjamites (who are also Israelites) and win. It took them three tries. They outnumbered the Benjamites by hundreds of thousands...but it took them three tries.

The Israelites vowed to never let their daughters marry the Benjamites, which is fair because some Benjamite men raped and murdered a woman and the rest of the Benjamites stood by those men. Still, the Israelites feel really bad about the whole thing because they've already forgotten about the raped and dismembered woman. The Benjamites aren't such bad guys. They were just drunk. This one act doesn't represent who they are. They're really good swimmers. Don't be such a nag okay?

The Israelites can't bear the thought of their fellows Israelites, the Benjamites dying off. A whole Israelite tribe gone forever? It's unthinkable. Though, they can't possibly break their vow. Their solution? The dumbest thing you're going to hear today, provided you do not read about any current events.

The Israelites also made a vow to kill any tribe that did not help them in the war against the Benjamites. Jabesh Gilead did not help in the war. So...

The Israelites decide...wait for kill everyone in the Jabesh Gilead tribe (except for the virgin girls) in order to give wives to the Benjamites...the people they went to war with. They can't stand the thought of an Israelite tribe dying they kill off another one instead. They are killing their own people who didn't help them to kill the people they were at war with in order to help the people they were at war with. 

That's like...if I got into a fight with my brother because my brother was being a total dick.One of my sisters wanted no part in the violence, so she sits it out. Then, later, I feel bad about fighting with my brother....even though he shows no remorse and I was totally justified in fighting him in the first place but I feel bad about it anyway and I just want to get along again. So my solution is to MURDER my sister to make my dick brother feel better.

Wait guys. It get dumber.

After giving the Jabesh Gilead virgins to the Benjamites like a non-consensual fruit basket, they realize there still aren't enough wives for them. Solution? Kidnap more virgins.

The Israelites tell the Benjamites to go to Shiloh where there is a festival of women (probably little girls) dancing to get a husband. Dancing is a very important skill, some say, the foundation of a marriage.

The Israelites can't break their vow and just LET the Benjamites marry any other Israelites, but the Benjamites can kidnap the women (little girls) from another Israelite tribe. You see, these men wouldn't want to break their vows and lose their promote kidnapping women (little girls)...women (little girls) in their own tribes...

The Benjamites hide in the bushes, watch the dancing, then kidnap the women (little girls). When the fathers of  the women (little girls) come to complain about it, this is what the other Israelites tell them:

"Do us the favor of helping them, because we did not get wives for them during the war. You will not be guilty of breaking your oath because you did not give your daughters to them."

TLDR: The Israelite method of arguing

It works. The plan works. All these honorable bros agree on the loophole and little girls continue to get passed around to their own war mongering cousins.

End of Judges.

Have a nice day.

No comments:

Post a Comment