II Samuel 14

Welcome back Bible Babes. Last time there was incest rape then fratricide. King David's family has very uncomfortable family reunions. 

David's oldest son raped his own sister and faced no consequences until my new fave Absalom threw him a murder party. Absalom fled town, not knowing that David didn't actually miss his rapist son. Anyway, David has spare sons because sibling rivalry often leads to murder in royal families. 

It's just a matter of time. 

Chapter 14:

Joab wants to see King David reunited with his son so he plots a scheme that uses David's biggest weakness against him: metaphors.  He tells a woman to pretend she is grieving over one son murdering another son. She says she doesn't want her other son to die and would like David to pardon him. David agrees to do this and is not reminded of anything in his personal life whatsoever. David was never very good in English class. He does not know how to apply texts to his own life. Again, God likes his kings dumb and pretty. 

Eventually, after many many paragraphs, David starts to catch on. 

"'Isn't the hand of Joab with you in all this?'"

The fake widow pretends that David is a genius and compliments his perceptiveness. Joab comes out and begs David to take Absalom back. David agrees with some conditions:

"'He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.'"

Absalom agrees to avoid his parents which grown children do without having to be told. He lives this way for 2 years. In other news, the writers want you to know that Absalom is hot. Like, super hot. 

"In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him."

Absalom is a rape avenging ally with flawless skin, but wait, there's more. 

"Whenever he cut the hair of his head-he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him-he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels"

And he probably donated it all to cancer patients. 

He has three sons and a daughter. He names his daughter TAMAR which in case you forgot from the last chapter which is reasonable because I haven't written in 3 months, Tamar is the name of his sister who was raped! Who Absalom avenged! Through murder! Remember?!

After 2 years, Absalom is over the silent treatment and sends for Joab so he can see his father. Joab ignores him so Absalom does the reasonable thing and has his field set on fire. 

Joab comes to Absalom and asks: Why? 

Absalom: You ignored me. 

Absalom is perfection. Absalom is the second coming of Samson my hairy murder angel. 

He demands to see his dad or he'll leave again, he accepts the possibility that his father will have him killed but he doesn't care because he misses his dad. 

David summons Absalom: "and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom."

Let's end on the nice note before things get awful again. 

II Samuel 13

Hey Bible Babies. It's been awhile. I actually read this chapter immediately after the last blog and you will see why it's taken me this long to find the energy to write about it.  The following might be in the running for The Worst Chapter Ever and really puts me in another table flipping mood.

Chapter 13:

David's firstborn son Amnon has a crush on his sister Tamar.

Tamar is his half-sister but it is fully disgusting. 

Amnon is so obsessed with his sister that he makes himself sick. His cousin is concerned. They have a heart to heart and the cousin, like a reasonable person, gives Amnon advice on how to rape his own sister. 

The cousin tells Amnon to pretend he's sick, stay in bed, and ask specifically for Tamar to bring him food so that he can "'eat from her hand" like a little birdie rapist. He makes his move. She begs him not to. She suggests that David might let them get married even though that's gross. She tries anything to not be a ruined woman. Rapists don't become ruined men, but raped women are spoiled goods who have to deal with their rapist's consequences. Thank goodness none of the messages of this book are relevant to our modern life. 

Amnon ignores his sisters pleas and rapes her. Instead of hating himself after, he hates her instead. 

"Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, 'Get up and get out.'"

Tamar says kicking her out now would be even worse. She refuses to leave. Amnon doesn't care because Amnon is trash. Amnon has a servant take her away. Do you know how trash you have to be to make Jaime Lannister seem like a more reasonable person?

Tamar tears off her virgin robes, rubs ash on her head, and goes to her full brother, Absalom. She tells him what happened. Absalom's words of comfort are: 

"'Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart.'"

Tamar now lives as a "desolate" woman at Absalom's house.  Absalom gives Amnon the silent treatment which I'm sure teaches him a lesson.

Eventually, David finds out. He's angry but does absolutely nothing. Amnon is his first son. He's young. He has a bright future ahead of him. He probably swims well. 

This chapter still isn't over. 

Two years later, Absalom throws a murder party. The number one guest is his rapist brother. Absalom is not trash. 

David gets the wrong info and thinks all his sons are dead now. He is very upset until he finds out he only lost his rapist son. It's a good way to break the death of a child to a parent. Start big so they have some perspective. 

Absalom flees because he mistakenly thinks anyone would care that he murdered his rapist brother:

"King David longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death."

A message for Amnon. 

II Samuel 11-12

Things are getting spicy in the bible again and by spicy, I mean horrifying. 

Chapter 11:

David takes a stroll along the palace rooftop because he is Batman now. He just happens to see a woman taking a bath. David likes a clean lady and also voyeurism. He asks around about her and finds out her name is Bathsheba. 

Bathsheba. 

Bath...sheba. 

David summons and impregnates her, which is a problem because she is married. It's a problem because she is a married woman. The fact that he is married with multiple wives is not a problem, because he is a man. This is your blogly reminder that in this book, women are property and not people, which is fine. 

David sends for Bathsheba's husband, Uriah. He suggests that Uriah go home and wash his feet. I assume "washing feet" is a euphemism for "go have sex with your wife." Uriah decides to sleep on David's porch like a dog instead, because he is selfless which is no way to stay alive in this book: 

"Uriah said to David, 'The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my commander Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!'"

In order to solve the problem, David writes his military guy, Joab, a letter:

"'Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.'"

David even makes Uriah deliver the letter to Joab. David's favorite Game of Thrones character is Littlefinger. 

The plan works. Uriah dies. Bathsheba grieves for two seconds then moves in with David and has a baby boy. David loves a fresh widow. 

Bible memes are a thing and I'm excited about it. 

The chapter ends with some good old fashioned foreshadowing:

"But the thing David had done displeased the Lord."  

FINALLY. 

Chapter 12:

Nathan, the Prophet, tells David a story that I'm not going to bother paraphrasing: 

"'There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.

Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that had belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him."

David grasps metaphors about as well as hyperbole and says the rich man must die or be made to pay for the lamb four times over. Nathan explains that David is the rich man in the story which is problematic because 

1. The wife is a lamb i.e. property and 
2. The lamb is like a daughter to the poor man 

It is a flawed metaphor. 

Nathan lays down the consequences. At some point in the future, David's wives will be unfaithful to him in broad daylight with someone who is close to David. I'm hoping it's with Nathan. What are your bets? 

David admits he did wrong which is more than Saul ever did, so the Lord decides not to kill David. However, he is still going to kill Bathsheba and David's son because killing babies is the go to teaching tool in this book. 

I'm never going to stop now. 

David and Bathsheba's son gets sick. David fasts and begs the Lord not to kill the baby but the Lord needs that street cred so he's all about the follow through. After the baby dies, David stops fasting and does nothing to grieve the baby, which freaks out his servants. 

David "comforts" Bathsheba by getting her immediately pregnant again, which I'm sure feels really awesome right after giving birth then losing your baby. 

The new baby is named Solomon and God is a big fan of this baby so it gets to live for now. 

II Samuel 7-10

Chapter 7: 

King David feels guilty that God lives in a tent while he lives in a house made of cedar, the most bourgeois of the wood family.

David reaches out to Nathan the Prophet with his concerns. Who is Nathan? A prophet. They just said. Try to keep up.

David tells Nathan the Prophet his concerns so Nathan can pass those concerns onto God. Nathan is God's new receptionist.

Prophets used to seem more important in this book. Not to put down receptionists but starting from freeing slaves and performing miracles to whatever "Nathan" is doing is definitely a demotion. Also what kind of prophet name is Nathan?

Nathan passes on David's concerns about God living in a tent. God assures Nathan that he loves camping. He also passive aggressively points out that he has never needed more than that and if he did, he would have asked.

"'I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, 'Why have you not built me a house of cedar?'"

God does not appreciate David's attempt at anticipating his needs. Say what you will about God but he is pretty good about telling you what he wants exactly when he wants it.

God gets really sentimental and tells Nathan that he will make sure David's descendants are going to have a great kingdom and rule forever (or until democracy becomes a thing).

One of David's descendants will build the God house and God is going to keep a special eye on him:

"I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul'"

David is thrilled to hear God is going to beat his children with a rod and prays later to thank him. It's unclear what Nathan's purpose is if David can still talk directly to God. Maybe they want Nathan to feel like he's participating.

Chapter 8: 

Picture a montage where David fights and defeats various groups of people who do not matter (to me).

Chapter 9:

The biggest plot twist of all. David meets Jonathan's son Mephibosheth who was in the last blog entry. His plot line was actually relevant!

David wants to know if there's anyone left of the Saul family he can help "for the sake of kindness." He finds out about Mephi and his inability to walk. David wants to help him despite his grudge against the disabled community.

They bring Mephi into David's house despite David's "No Cripples" rule. David tells Mephi not to be afraid because he was "friends" with his father. Just a couple of no homo bros who made platonic covenants with each other.

David is going to give Mephi all of his father's land back, someone else will farm it, and Mephi gets to live in his cedar palace. David is finally taking care of the son him and Jonathan should have had together.

Chapter 10:

The Ammonite's King, Nahash, dies. Don't remember him? He had a real thing for eyeballs. In response to this death, David spouts some straight nonsense:

"'I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.'" 

But MJ, you ask, I don't remember David ever meeting Nahash. Didn't Saul defeat Nahash, before he became King Krazy, before David was in the picture at all? Seriously, David never met Nahash in this book right? And to that I say, you know this book better than its own writers do.

David sends a couple of men to pass on his condolences so that he can honor his imaginary memories of Nahash. Unfortunately, Hanun thinks the men are spies because they forgot to bring balloons. He doesn't take their eyeballs but establishes his own kink.  He shaves off half of their beards and cuts off the their clothing "around the buttocks." Now I'm just picturing them in those onesies with butt flaps that grown adults need to stop wearing. 

You sicken me. 

When the men return to David he tells them to "'Stay in Jericho until your beards have grown'" because Jericho is where you go to heal your beard. 

The Ammonites worry that they have pissed off David, so they figure the logical solution is to escalate the situation by sending an army to Jerusalem. There is a war. David wins.

This is why you should always send an edible arrangement.

II Samuel 4-6

Welcome back Bible Babes. I hope you're ready for some BDSM.

I think we need a refresher. There once was a wife who wanted to have kids because breeding is of course her only purpose in life, however she couldn't have one until she made some shady dealings with God to give up her firstborn to priests. God is not unlike Rumpelstiltskin. She named her child Samuel, yeah like the chapter title. Samuel heard God's voice telling him his adopted priest family was going to die and that they did. Instead of this turning into a horror movie situation, Samuel becomes the next diplomat between the Israelites and God. The Israelites wanted a king because they were under the impression that kings care about and fight for their people.

Samuel and God weren't happy because they had seen Game of Thrones so they knew better. God decides to go the "be careful what you wish for route" and gave the people a King anyway and that king was Saul. Saul was very beautiful but also very dumb and later on very unstable. Saul kept messing up and pissing God off so God chose a new king and that king was David. David became Saul's musician and solider i.e. a bard. Saul kept trying to kill David and David kept escaping because everyone loved David, especially Saul's son Jonathan. The two kept queerbaiting the audience and I wrote fanfiction.

David promised not to kill Saul or anyone in his family because he loved Jonathan so much so that he made a covenant before God, which is a big deal. Eventually, not by David's own hand, Saul and Jonathan are murdered. David keeps killing anyone who kills Saul's family because of the God covenant thing and to make sure he has good PR.

Now Saul's other kid Ish-Bosheth is still alive and David can't kill him because of the whole God protection thing, even though God wants David to be king. It is all very stupid. All caught up?

Chapter 4:

Ish-Bosheth is worried someone is going to kill him which is a valid concern because that is what is about to happen. His own men Bannah and Reekab, repeatedly stab him in the stomach while he is sleeping. At least he dies in his sleep. Bannah and Reekab then cut off his head and bring it as evidence to David, expecting to be rewarded. Unfortunately, they didn't get the memo that David does not reward people who make his life more convenient. David kills the men then de-foots and de-hands them and hangs their bodies by a pool which really puts a damper on pool parties.

Then there is an aside about Jonathan's son, Mephibosheth. When Saul and Jonathan were killed, Meph's nurse ran off with him but fell. Now Mephy can't walk. This better be relevant later.

Chapter 5:

David finally completes his successful military coup and now it is time to rule his people for 40 years even though a previous chapter said 7 years, apparently that meant he was going to rule in Judah for 7 years. This book loves math almost as much as it loves plot holes. 

Jerusalem does not want a military leader as their king because they also saw Game of Thrones. The Jebusites of Jerusalem taunt David by saying:

"'You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off.'"

David does not understand metaphors or hyperbole and punishes the disabled community after taking over Jerusalem, as a good leader and protagonist does.

"'Whoever would strike the Jebusites, let him get up the water shaft to attack 'the lame and the blind,' who are hated by David's soul.' Therefore it is said, 'The blind and the lame shall not come into the house.'"

David gives permission for people to commit hate crimes and says the disabled community is not allowed in his home.

Finally, Bible Team Rocket i.e. the Philistines try to mess with David and fail. I'm not getting into it again.

Chapter 6:

David wants to bring the God box to Jerusalem. During the carrying process, one man touches the ark and dies. They decide to leave the God box in storage with a family because risking the lives of your people is what good Kings do. Luckily, the family doesn't die but is actually blessed. Naturally, David wants the box back because being chosen by God isn't enough of a blessing. This time they bring the box back without melting anyone's face off.

There is a celebration and David dances around the ark. I imagine him doing the Snoopy dance.

Michal, David's kidnapped wife, watches him dance:

"And when she saw King David leaping and dancing befroe the Lord, she despised him in her heart."

When David returns home, Michal has some notes on David's dance moves:

""How the king of Isreal has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!""

Apparently David's Snoopy dance got too sexy. David responds in a calm and rational manner as any kidnapping, ableist would:

"'It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me rule over the Lord's people Israel-I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.'"

Let's break that down.

1. Bragging about how the Lord chose him over her dead father. Nice. Also, I knew you didn't care about Saul dying you lying liar.
2. David promises he's going to become even more undignified. He will not be slut shamed.
3. I bet the slave girls would like you even more if you ended slavery, David.

Once again a hero lives long enough to become a villain in this book. Maybe it was for the best that people died young back then.

II Samuel 1-3

Howdy Bible Babes, I hope you've been well. I've been away because of excuses you don't care about. You should be used to abandonment by now just as the Israelites are (from God).

Chapter 1: 

David learns of Saul's death via a considerate Palestinian messenger who assisted Saul in his suicide. You could call it "assisted suicide." David is upset with this man because he killed Saul. Let's break down what this man did. First, Saul was dying a slow death he had inflicted upon himself. Saul asked this man to put him out of his misery, so the Palestinian man did. Then this man who had no obligation whatsoever, took the time to reach out to David. David, the backstabbing enemy of the Palestinians. He risked his life to make sure David knew about Saul's death and how he died, not in a villainous braggy way, but in a considerate way. Is this man rewarded? Not in this book he isn't. David our hero kills this man because Saul was supposed to be protected by God and anyone who would kill him should be punished even though God broke up with Saul forever ago, even though Saul was in the way of David being king. Even though Saul tried to kill David and everyone David cared about MANY TIMES. Guys, I hate David. I hate David more than Saul. At least Saul was fun and tried to impale people. David is a real Littlefinger.

Then David, ever the calculated politician, goes on to pretend to care about Saul's death with dramatic displays of shirt ripping.

David sings one of those garbage songs that don't even rhyme to honor Saul and Jonathan and the only part of the song that matters is this line:

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;/ you were very dear to me./ Your love for me was wonderful,/ more wonderful than that of women."

Chapter 2:

David still has to keep fighting to be King because one of Saul's sons who was never mentioned before, Ish-Bosheth, became King in the North. He doesn't rule with his pet dire wolf though just Saul's human General, Abner. Fighting happens. It is not interesting. One of David's nephews, Asahel chases General Abner around and Abner keeps telling him to stop it. It's one intense war. Asahel does not stop chasing Abner so Abner kills him. Then, Asahel's two brothers, Abishai and Joab chase Abner. Abner is all:

Abner can not handle tag. Joab thinks this is a good point and decides to let Ish whatever and Abner go.

Also, they mention some prophecy that says David will only rule for 7 years. 7. Fucking. Years. All of this bullshit for 7 years? That's not even 2 terms as president. David, find something else to do so I can start reading about someone more interesting than you again.

Chapter 3:

According to the chapter, David's power is growing because he has 6 sons. Apparently sons are a powerful energy source, very fuel efficient.

He has 6 sons with 5 wives. At first I thought maybe David was considerate about how many kids each vagina has to pop out but then I remembered this book doesn't care about women and they're just not mentioning the daughters who are not at all fuel efficient.

Remember that son of Saul no one cares about? Osh Kosh Bogosh or whatever? He's upset with Abner the General because he slept with one of Saul's concubines Rizpah. She's a special concubine. She even gets a name. Abner continues his record of flawless debating skills by getting mad at Osh Kosh for accusing him of doing a thing he absolutely did do. He then proceeds to threaten little Oshy and says he's going to change sides and help David now. Abner loves his sex workers, lies, and switching sides against his supposed allies. He's a real wildcard. Thank goodness this behavior is only allowed from a fictional political figure. Could you imagine if someone like that were allowed to rule over a nation?

Abner sends a message to David and says he'll deliver Israel to him. David says that's swell and he'll need that stolen wife Michal back too. He had to pay 100 Philistine foreskins to get her after all.

Hey, David, wives aren't like...trading cards.

Michal is sent to David while her husband follows weeping behind her. I didn't make that up. That detail is added in the book, but it doesn't matter. That man's tears cannot equal the worth of a hundred Philistine foreskins and it's time for Michal to be returned to...the hero...of this story.

Abner talks to all the elders of Israel and preps for David to rule and little Oshy just...has to deal with it. David throws Abner a big feast to celebrate David's rule and mentions he has a few more things to prepare and walks off in peace.

Until, Joab sees him. Remember Joab? Joab was Ashael's brother. Remember Ashael? Abner killed him in an intense game of tag? And Joab could have killed him then but didn't because of no reason whatsofuckingever? Joab decides it's now time to avenge his brother's death with an old fashioned stomach stabbing.

David is not pleased and curses Joab's family with running sores, leprosy, disabilities, death, and hunger. I'm not sure how well this family curse will avoid overlap with David's since they are family and the families in this book tend to get their family tree branches tangled up in each other. If the curse doesn't cause disabilities, the incest should take care of that.

David then makes Joab and all the people with him wear sackcloth and walk in a mourning parade for Abner. David brings up the caboose, cries, and makes a big show of fasting. The Israelites are impressed with this display of bullshit and believe that he had nothing to do with Abner's death. I see you David. 

Samuel 29-31

Hello nicknameless readers of this blog (BibleBangers? The Begatted Bunch? I need suggestions). I hope you are doing well in these dark times. Let's read about people with worse lives until we feel better.

Chapter 29:

There's another war between the Philistines and Israelites and if I still encouraged a drinking game for this book, I would suggest you take several shots but we are now too responsible and have work in the morning and people think it's weird when you have a hangover from the bible.

David is still playing the double agent and plans on going to war with the Philistines but literally everyone but King Achish doesn't trust him. They remind the King of that hit song about David's murder adventures, a murder jingle, if you will:

"'Saul has slain his thousands, 
and David his tens of thousands'"

The Philistines are rightly concerned David will betray them. He has been doing so the entire time, killing off villages of Philistine people, men, women and children. Remember, he's our hero.

King Achish reassures David that he's still his angel:

"'. . . you have been as pleasing in my eyes as an angel of God'"

Unfortunately David has got to stay behind, alone, unsupervised. I assume people have a hard time thinking stuff through in this book because they have never not been at war. Thinking stuff through is for times of peace.

Chapter 30:

David and his merry men go to Ziklag. I know nothing about Ziklag other than its got a sick name. Turns out while David was away, Zilag was attacked by the Amalekites who captured all the wives and children including David's two wives. Personally, if I had two wives, I would keep one in a different city as back up. Why even have a second wife at all if not for backup?

The others start discussing whether or not to stone David which is the appropriate feedback when someone lets you down. We should bring it back. Conveniently for David he feels some God strength and instructs his men to bring him the "ephod." Said ephod is not described so let's ahead and visualize a magic 8 ball with God inside.

He shakes the magic God ball after asking if he should pursue the Amalekites who took his and many other wives and God gives him the go ahead. David and his 600 men pursue the Philistines but 200 of the men get sleepy and left behind which is going to lead to an argument. 

They track down their enemies and everyone is saved with little to no conflict. They even get bonus plunder. There is an argument about whether the 200 sleepyheads deserve any additional plunder but David decides they do deserve it even though they helped in no way at all. No one is stoned or murdered. 

Chapter 31:

Back to Saul. Ghost Samuel's prophecy comes true and Saul's sons are killed two sentences in INCLUDING JONATHAN. 

Saul asks his armor bearer to kill him because he doesn't want to leave that up to the Philistines who might get more creative about it. The armor bearer refuses so Saul must do it himself. He chooses to fall on his sword. I don't care even a little bit. 

The Philistines humiliate Saul by decapitating him and hanging his and his son's bodies on the wall of Beth Shan. I'm not making another map for these places so let's just picture that wall from The Handmaid's Tale or picture whatever type of wall you think would be good for hanging bodies. Let your imagination run wild. 

The people of Jabesh Gilead go and rescue the bodies to burn them, presumably to keep them from becoming white walkers. 

Samuel Part 1 is finished but I will put no celebratory GIF in here because we still have a Part 2 even though Samuel is dead. I'm sure Part 2 will be in no way repetitive and pointless. 

I'm going to miss Jonathan so much.