Samuel 25

Samuel finally dies and it gets about a sentence of attention even though this entire chapter is named after him. I guess judging people your whole life doesn't make too many people cry at your funeral. 

David goes to some new places. In the newest place there is a sheep shearer named Nabal with a wife named Abigail. You can tell Abigail is going to be important because she a woman with a name. 

Nabal is described as a fool and stingy. Abigail is described as intelligent and beautiful, in that order. Slow down Bible, we get lady names and intelligence in a woman implied as a more important trait than physical appearance? Did the authors take a women's studies class halfway through writing this thing?

David sends his men to Nabal to ask for food and supplies. His argument is that they've never done anything bad to him and therefore are owed things. Seriously. 

"'Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.'"

Nabal: 

David: "'Each of you strap on your sword!'"

The book makes it sound like David is our hero and Nabal is a greedy idiot but I'm firmly on Team Nabal. 

David is clearly a mafia boss. 

"Hey, small business owner, we haven't done anything bad to you yet so give us stuff or else."

I have decided that David sucks now. 

The intelligent and beautiful Abigail hears word that David and his men are coming and she takes action by secretly loading up donkeys with food items which the book lists in great detail, more detail than was given to Samuel's death and funeral. 

The Holy Bible authors

When Abigail finds David and his merry mafia men in the woods she bows to him and apologizes for Nabal: 

"'Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name-his name means Fool.'"

She does not mention that the Fool is her husband. 

Abigail proceeds to fangirl pretty hard all over David. Also, she keeps calling him "my lord" while also talking about God Lord and it's all very confusing. 

"'And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with  your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming you my lord be like Nabal.'" . . . "'Please forgive your servant's presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord,because you fight the Lord's battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.'" 

This goes on for AWHILE.  

David praises the God Lord with a capital L that Abigail saved him a murder trip. 

"'. . . if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.'"

When Abigail gets home, Nabal is getting lit with a huge banquet, sort of rubbing it in that he could have spared some food and chose not to. When he sobers up, Abigail breaks the news of her betrayal to him and "his heart failed him and he became like a stone." 10 days later the Lord strikes Nabal down dead or maybe it was a heart attack from all that banqueting and partying or maybe Abigail murdered him. There are no autopsies in this book. 

When David hears about Nabal's death he responds like a respectful human would about the death of another:

"'Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head.'" 

David waits approximately no time at all before sending his servants to propose to Abigail on his behalf much like a middle school student asking someone out to a dance. Abigail waits approximately no time at all before saying yes. Move over Elsa, we've got a new ice queen. 

The last line of the chapter quickly mentions that David takes a 3rd wife. David can get all the beard wives he wants. He's not fooling me. #DavidandJonathan4evah

Samuel 23-24

Hey everybody. I've got some bad news. The book is getting stupid again and not in a fun way. Saul keeps searching for David. David keeps running away. This is basically the entire plot:

Chapter 23:

David is hiding out but hears the Philistines are attacking the Keilah. I assume the Keliah are in some way important. 

The Philistines are "looting the threshing floors" which I choose to purposefully misunderstand as a euphemism though it's probably something really boring and related to farming.

David asks God if he should help the Keliah (Are they people? Cows? Unicorns?) 

God: "Duh."

David checks with his men. They are afraid to go. David checks in with God again. 

God: "Seriously?"

David saves the Keliah unicorns and what an exciting journey it was.

Saul hears that David is in Keliah and thinks that it's finally his chance to get him:

"'God has delivered him into my hands, for David has imprisoned himself by entering a town with gates and bars.'"

David already hears of Saul's plot, because much like Game of Thrones, this books shuns the concept of time and distance.

That's right. Deep cut Game of Thrones references. 

David asks God if Saul would actually come to Keliah. 

God: "Yeah, probably." 

David asks God if it's cool to just chill out in Keliah anyway. The people wouldn't turn him over to King Saul after he just saved them right? Right?

God: "Why do I like my kings so stupid?"

David and his 600 men leave and live as nomads, moving from place to place. Saul finds out that David is no longer in Keliah and therefore, doesn't go to Keliah.

The suspeeeeeense.

David and his men hide out the desert of Ziph. Saul actually goes in search of David himself but cannot find David or his 600 men. David learns that Saul is on the prowl and is worried for his life.

Somefuckinghow Jonathan is able to find David in the desert just fine. I assume it's because love defies all logic. Jonathan continues to stupidly reassure David:

"'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'My father Saul will not lay a hand on you.'"

Just a spear.

Jonathan goes on to reassure David that he is destined to be king and Jonathan will be at his side. No word on Jonathan's sister, David's actual wife, and which side she gets to be on. 

The two cement their totally platonic friendship by performing yet another covenant before God, whatever you choose to believe that means.

The Ziphethes of the desert do not know how to Zipeth their Lipeths and rat David out to Saul. The chase is on. David finds out that Saul knows he's in Zipth, so he runs to some new places I don't care about mentioning. Saul finds out about those new places and chases David to even more places. At one point, David literally hides behind a rock. Saul chases David around a mountain and the Benny Hill theme song presumably plays on in the background.

Saul almost gets David but unfortunately gets murder-blocked with the news that Team Rocket The Philistines are raiding some threshing floors again and Saul has to go deal with it because he's the King or whatever.

Chapter 24:

The chase is on again. Saul takes 3,000 men to search for David but David and his men win this round of hide and seek. 

During the chase, King Saul needs a timeout to use the bathroom and decides to venture out alone, unsupervised, to a dark cave, the logical thing for a political leader to do. King Saul does not scope out the cave before "relieving himself." 

Surprise surprise, David and his SIX HUNDRED men are all hiding in the cave and Saul doesn't notice the SIX HUNDRED men. 

Saul must not get a lot of fiber in his diet because in the time it takes to relieve himself, David has time to argue with his men about whether or not to murder Saul, sneak up on Saul, cut a piece of his robe, change his mind about killing him, and go back to his men.  

Saul, honey, do yourself a favor and drink some prune juice. 

As Saul leaves the cave, David runs up after him and delivers the speech to end all speeches.

"'My lord the king!'" . . . "'Why do you listen when men say, 'David is bent on harming you'? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, 'I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord's anointed.' See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. As the old saying goes, 'From evildoers come evil deeds,' so my hand will not touch you.'"

Someone get this man whatever award fictional people get for great speeches. 

Saul responds with...sanity? Though I have undermined that sanity by asking a friend to dramatically read his speech and she read that speech while wearing a velociraptor mask:

"'Is that your voice, David my son?' And he wept aloud. 'you are more righteous than I,' he said. 'You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly.'" 

Understatement of the year, but go on. 

"'You have just now told me about the good you did to me; the Lord delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me. When a  man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today. I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands. Now swear to me by the Lord that you will not kill of my descendants'or wipe out my name from my father's family.'"

David promises to never kill Saul's kids, because that's Saul's job. Saul returns home and David stays with his men in the cave.

Is a Holy Bible story going to actually end without violence and needless death? 

Samuel 21-22

Hello all. I hope you've been doing well or at least better than poor David, who is at the mercy of his Mad King father-in-law, Saul. 

Most in-law relationships can be difficult, but Saul has been attempting to impale his son-in-law and actual son with spears on a pretty regular basis. 

David finally realized that the whole attempted murder thing was not just a awkward phase for Saul, so he ran away with the help of his brother-in-law/totally platonic BFF, Jonathan. 

Chapter 21:

David runs away and hides at Ahmilek's house. Ahmilek is a priest and usually helps David talk to God and stuff, though now he is suspicious of the situation because David is alone.

David's excuse is that he's on a secret mission. He can't talk about it because it is . . . a secret. He explains that his men are going to meet up with him later and that he needs food for them. Ahmilek does not have normal food. He's too busy talking to God to buy groceries for emergency secret missions:

"I don't have any ordinary bread on hand; however, there is some consecrated bread here-provided the men have kept themselves from women."

Only virgins get carbs?

It is unclear what amount of quarantine time is needed to shed oneself of girl cooties but David is quick to reassure/lie to Ahmilek:

"Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men's bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!"

David proudly explains that his men can't even get laid when they're allowed to, and so they deserve some bread. 

Ahmilek goes to get the sad virgins some bread and then there is an ominous sentence:

"Now one of Saul's servants was there that day, detained before the Lord; he was Doeg the Edomite, Saul's chief shepherd."

Nothing further is mentioned about this. YET.

David asks Ahmilek if he has any weapons laying around, and guess what happens to just be laying around?

"'The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you killed in the Valley of Elah, is here'"

Oh, is that all?

Also, I know David has murdered a lot since then, but did Ahmilek seriously have to remind David who Goliath is?

"You remember that guy you killed? Yeah the big, confident one? In the valley?"

David accepts the sword of his slain enemy, and this is finally feeling like the the fantasy book we deserve. 

David's next destination is to see Achish king of Gath who is a Philistine and therefore an enemy of the Israelites. Therefore, DAVID's enemy. 

No character motivations are explained in the slightest. Achish immediately recognizes David because...David made no effort to disguise himself. 

David suddenly realizes that maybe this isn't a great plan or a plan at all. David's next great plan?:

"he pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard"

David and Jonathan have similar planning skills. I ship them but I am concerned if they ever did get together officially, they would die very easily. 

Still, David's "plan" works. King Achish makes it clear that he doesn't have time for crazy and quickly shoots up to being my favorite character in this book. He brings in so much sass that I don't even need a reaction gif:

"'Look at the man! He is insane! Why bring him to me? Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?'"

Chapter 22:

David's next move is to run away to a cave. His family hears about it and joins him in the cave. Also about 400 strangers join him in the cave. The strangers are people who are in distress, debt or discontentment, the three dreaded D's.   

Thinking Corner with MJ:

1. If 400 people found out about David living in a cave, it's not that great of a hiding spot is it?
2. Is David just posting for cave roommates on craigslist?
3.That's a big cave.
4. Their lives were so bad, they chose to live in a cave.
5. Anyone else in student loan debt want to join me in cave life?








David leaves the cave to go ask the king of Moab if he will take his mother and father in and protect them. David is fine living with 400 people in a cave, but living with his parents in that cave was really cramping his style. 

Then, David hides in a stronghold. Then, a prophet named Gad (who was clearly made a prophet just because his name was so similar) tells David to stop hiding and go to Judah. 

So many places. 

This section of the book is giving me Kerouac On the Road vibes. I did not like On the Road. If I've offended anyone who does love that book, I recommend writing a incomprehensible book length fever dream poem about your feelings, that I will never read. 

Meanwhile, back at the Mad King's lair, Saul is lecturing his men for not telling him that Jonathan was helping David. The lecturing goes on for some time, until that ominous sentence from the last chapter finally becomes relevant. 

"But Doeg the Edomite, who was standing with Saul's officials, said, 'I saw the son of Jesse come to Ahimelek'"

Mostly, I'm just shocked that the sentence ended up having a point. 

Saul sends for Ahimelek and all the men in his family and begins the interrogation with light, easy questions:

"'Why have you conspired against me?'"

 Ahimelek explains himself with logic because he doesn't know what he's dealing with:

"'Who of all your servants is as loyal as David, the king's son-in-law, captain of your bodyguard and highly respected in your household? Was that day the first time I inquired of God for him? Of course not! Let not the king accuse your servant or any of his father's family, for your servant knows nothing about this whole affair.'"

Saul: "'You will surely die, Ahimelek, you and your whole family.'"

Saul demands that his men kill Ahimelek and the men in his family, all of the priests, because they were, in his cray mind, conspiring against him. 

The men refuse to kill the priests because maybe these ones actually remember that Crazy Saul has got nothing on Crazy God. 

Saul suddenly remembers his emergency training. When you want help, you have to be specific. He tells Doeg the Edomite, to kill the priests. Doeg kills all 85 of them and yes, I am now picturing Doeg as The Mountain from Game of Thrones. Yes, I still make Game of Thrones references. 

You can't not picture it. 

Doeg really likes extra murder credit, so he takes it upon himself to go to Ahimelek's town and kill every man, woman, child, infant, cow, donkey and sheep there, too. 

One man escapes the murderdome and finds David to tell him what happened. David's response is barely remorseful:

"'I knew he would be sure to tell Saul. I am responsible for the death of your whole family. Stay with me; don't be afraid. The man wants to kill you is trying to kill me too. You will be safe with me.'"

Yeah, my bad. I'm the reason everything you love is dead, but do you want to hang out? They're trying to kill me too, so you'll be totally safe with me. Yes, safe with me, the target that brought wrath upon everything you loved in the first place. Have you not moved on yet?

Samuel 20

Greetings, people who read this blog and still lack a collective nickname, because the amount is so few I could probably just call you by your names individually: Grant, Katie, Josh, Lisa, sometimes Cara, Cara's mom...I think...I think that covers it. 

You're probably all blown away by my recent level of consistency. I'm pretty surprised myself. Though, like the plot and drama this book is finally giving us, we shouldn't depend on my attention span for too long. 

The following chapter is about the beautiful, forbidden, yet still totally platonic friendship, between David and Prince Jonathan. 

(Side note: I've been spelling Jonathan's name wrong. I'd apologize, but I think the authors should apologize for writing it that way in the first place.)

Chapter 20:

There's a big event coming up with the in-laws and David's not too sure about showing up because of his father-in-law's repeated attempted murders. Still, David doesn't want to seem rude, so he checks in with his brother-in-law/BFF, Jonathan, about the situation. 

Jonathan is shocked at the idea his father would want to kill David despite the fact that King Saul has literally told him before, that he would like to kill David. 

"'Never!' Jonathan replied. 'You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn't do anything, great or small, without letting me know. Why would he hide this from me? It isn't so!'"

Hey, remember that time King Saul was also going to kill his Jonathon, his own son, and only didn't because his soldiers stopped him? Jonathon clearly doesn't. 

David doesn't want to ruin Jonathon's perception of his father, so he doesn't mention the multiple attempts at murder. Their friendship is built on lies, but it is also very heartwarming. 

David asks politely, if maybe he can just go into hiding during the event and Jonathon can cover for him. If King Saul asks about where David is, Jonathan can tell him he went home to see his family. If Saul is chill, David will consider coming to the event. If Saul is not chill, Jonathon can send a warning to David. David even suggests that, if Jonathan agrees with his father, he is welcome to come kill David himself.  

Jonathan has already tattooed David's name on his body in the name of friendship so he is not about that. Jonathan makes it clear that he definitely wants custody of David in the event of a divorce. He insists they make an oath to honor their friendship in front of the Lord forever. Jonathan is much too extra for a simple friendship bracelet. 

Jonathan decides to make David's hideout plan needlessly complicated, because that's kind of his thing. 

He tells David to hide out by a stone and he will warn him about his father in code. The code will be performance art involving arrows and a young boy. 

"'I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I were shooting at a target. Then I will send a boy and say, 'Go, find the arrows.' If I say to him, 'Look, the arrows are on this side of you; bring them here,' then come, because, as surely as the Lord lives, you are safe; there is no danger. But if I say to the boy, 'Look, the arrows are beyond you; then you must go, because the Lord has sent you away.'"

Or...just like...send a note?

The plan is set in motion. David hides and doesn't show up to the dinners. King Saul notices and thinks unnecessarily rude thoughts:

"'Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean-surely he is unclean.'"

Saul asks his son Jonathon about David's whereabouts. Jonathon tells him that David asked permission to go to a family BBQ. Saul does not take this well.

"Saul's anger flared up at Jonathon and he said to him, 'You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!'"

He seems upset. 

We're going to gloss over the the fact that Saul's speech sounds a lot like Jonathan and David have a not platonic thing and Saul is an angry homophobic father. They're just friends. Okay? Grow up. 

Jonathan makes the mistake of trying to use logic. He asks why David should be put to death, considering that he has only ever done what Saul has asked with enthusiasm and loyalty. Saul is not a fan of logic. 

"Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him."

Thankfully, Saul is as bad at aiming as he is at logic. Jonathan survives and he is not happy. Though, he's not upset with the second attempted fillicide. His only concern is for David. 

"Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David. Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father's shameful treatment of David."

Jonathan punishes his father with a food strike and can only think about David. The next morning, he passes along his needlessly complicated arrow message to warn David, making a young boy run after arrows much like a dog. 

I know what you're thinking readers. 

"Why are you being so harsh to Jonathan? He has to communicate with David with secret performance art because he is committing treason against his own father. David has to stay hidden and Jonathan can't communicate with him directly."

I hear you. But here's the thing:

"After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times." 

You see? You see what I'm talking about? These people...

After David bows to Jonathan, 

"they kissed each other and wept together-but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have a sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'"

Samuel 18-19

Strap into the bible roller coaster of plot and character development. We probably won't get this spoiled again for at least 500 more pages. Soak in this sweet sweet drama while it lasts. 

Chapter 18: 

David continues to be King Saul's lyre player even after killing Goliath. I guess slaying giants doesn't warrant a promotion in King Saul's crazy af mind. 

King Saul also refuses to let David go home anymore, which is probably for the best because David sounds like a terrible sheephearder. 

Saul is becoming paranoid that David will take his place as king, but can you really call it paranoia if it's literally a prophecy?

King Saul's son, Jonathon, the most extra of the biblical characters, has taken a shine to David. I guess he's moved on from his armor bearer. What crazy twists and turns this will add to my slash fanfic:

"Jonathon made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathon took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."

King Saul is further paranoid that his son (who he once tried to murder) has taken a liking to this David. King Saul the Mad King's solution is to repeatedly send David on perilous missions, hoping that he'll eventually die on one of them. 

King Saul is that coward who doesn't know how to break up with his girlfriend, so instead of dealing with the conflict like an adult, he chooses to just act horribly, hoping she'll break up with him on her own. 

What? The analogy just popped in my head. It definitely isn't something I think about all the time. I'm not bitter. 

Not only does David not die on King Saul's many quests, he becomes a war hero. Women dance in the street holding parades for him when he returns:

"'Saul has slain his thousands,
and David has his tens of thousands.'"

Not all that catchy ladies, but it effectively hurts King Saul's already fragile ego:

"'They have credit David with tens of thousands,' he thought, 'but me with only thousands.'"

Solid math problem solving Saul. You figured it out all on your own. 

King Saul is very hurt that people do not appreciate his own mass murdering abilities and thinks that they will inevitably choose David for king because he has more blood on his hands, the necessary political background for this book. 

King Saul decides to keep a close eye on David. He is of course very subtle:

". . . while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and hurled it, saying to himself, 'I'll pin David to the wall.' But David eluded him twice."

After the minor disagreement with his boss, David agrees to be sent away for more perilous missions. Saul thinks this will lead to David's death. It does not. David continues to be a war hero. David is the roadrunner to Saul's coyote. 

Saul's next grand plan is to offer his eldest daughter Merab to David, which really isn't a nice gesture because David was supposed to win a daughter for killing Goliath anyway. Let's gloss over my general irritation that women are traded around like playing cards in this book. David is already owed a wife. 

Saul says David can have the wife, if he goes on yet another life threatening mission. David agrees because it is preferable to playing music for a man who thinks you are his target for human darts. 

While David is away, Saul marries off Merab, the promised eldest daughter, to someone else.

We're all thinking it, so I'm just going to say it, Saul is kind of a petty bitch. 

When David returns, Saul offers another daughter, Michal, who is actually in love with David. For some reason...Saul thinks this is the mother of all schemes:

"'I will give her to him,' he thought, 'so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.'"

Let's review. Saul's new master plan...is to marry off another daughter, thereby making the man he's worried about replacing him as king, his legal son-in-law. He thinks his daughter, who is actually in love with David, who David has shown no particular interest in before, will somehow be David's downfall? 

David is skeptical. He doesn't really want to be the son-in-law of a man continually trying to shish kabob him, which is fair. 

Saul's next move in this thrilling, cat and mouse game of wits, is to tell his soldiers to lie to David. They tell David that in spite of all the attempted murder and lies, Saul actually really likes David and would love him as a son-in-law. 

David believes this, which makes me think that maybe he doesn't actually deserve to live. 

The perilous mission David must take on this time?:

"'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins.'"

David rises to the challenge and those Philistines will rise no more. David doubles the amount of necessary foreskins because he's all about that extra credit:

"David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king's son-in-law."

This...book...I just...

After King Saul does whatever he does with his enemy's foreskins, David marries Michal, but we all know it really should have been Jonathon. 

Side note: King Saul keeps asking people who love David to help him. With this approach, he's grasping at foreskins. If I were King Saul, I would have turned David's older brother, Eliab against him. Eliab hated David for being conceited and thought his heart was wicked. Also, the revenge would be even better since all of Saul's family loves David, you can turn his own brother against him. Eye for and eye, know what I'm saying? I'm no mass murderer, but I do know how to Littlefinger people from a distance. so they cause their own demise...I mean this only hypothetically of course...

Chapter 19:

Sweet baby Jonathon learns his daddy is trying to kill his best friend. He tells David not to worry, he's going to give his dad a stern talking to and clear all this up. Jonathon attempts to reason with his insane father with logic about how David has done nothing wrong, and has actually only ever continually helped Saul, again and again. 

I would make insert some Ivanka Trump analogy about children supposedly having the ability to reason with their crazy political leader parents here, but that would imply she has logic. Also, she has no place in my beautiful fanfiction and cannot compare to the beauty that is Jonathon. 

King Saul reassures his son that he definitely, cross-his-heart, won't try to murder his son-in-law anymore. 

Yeah...so immediately after Saul tries to kill David again...with a spear...again. 

David goes into hiding at home with Michal. Saul sends men to watch their home. Michal, the daughter who made it clear she was in love with David, who Saul thought would ensnare David, immediately warns her husband about her father's intentions and tells him to run away. 

Who could have possibly seen that coming?

The apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to planning skills. Michal's ingenious plan is to put an idol under their bed along with...goat hair, and tells Saul's men that her husband is sick. Michal, children from every movie ever called and they want their idea back, except for the goat hair. You can keep the goat hair. 

Shockingly, this plan does not pan out. They take Michal to her father and when asked why she let David escape, she implies her husband threatened her life. Look, she loves him, but that doesn't mean she has to die for him, okay? If Rose can't move over a few inches on that very sizable door to save Jack, Michal can lie to save her own skin. Love is complicated. 

David goes into hiding with good old Samuel who like a robber or a cop, is supposed to have that one last job, but just keeps getting sucked back in. He's too old for this. 

Saul sends his men after them, but never fear audience, the literal Deus Ex Machina comes to save the day. It gets weird. 

God makes all of Saul's men fall in to a fit of prophesying which I thought was just talking to God, but now appears to be much like a bad drug trip. 

". . . he sent men to capture  him. But when they saw a group of prophets prophesying, with Samuel standing there as their leader, the Spirit of God came on Saul's men, and they also prophesied. Saul was told about it, and he sent more men, and they prophesied too. Saul sent men a third time, and they also prophesied."

Finally, Saul goes after David and Samuel himself only to catch the prophecy plague too. 

". . . he stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel's presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night."

No mention of anyone else getting naked and laying around naked. That's all Saul. I guess it's better...not...to call Saul. 

Sorry not sorry.