Ruth 1-2

This section of the book is titled Ruth. A woman has a name? AND her name is in the title? I want to be excited about it but I assume horrible things will happen to Ruth. 

Chapter 1:

The chapter opens to tell us we're still in the time of Judges,so in a way, we haven't escaped that section of the book and possibly never will.

Elimelek a simple man just trying to raise his family during a time period when the government sanctions kidnapping for diplomatic purposes, lived in Bethlehem with his wife, Naomi, and his two sons, Mahlon and Kilion. 

But there's a famine in Bethlehem and the schools PTA is really intense, so Elimelek takes his family to Moab.

Let's visualize this family so you can care when bad things happen to them:

Picture this but with more famine. 

Elimelek dies in some way that is not mentioned.  

Oh, Elimelek we hardly knew ye.

Naomi raises her two sons alone which is rough but at least they're slightly less likely to be kidnapped. 

Mahlon and Kilion get married...soooo picture them as slightly older than the above photo. Their new wives are Orpah and Ruth. They spend an adjective-less ten years together.

Then, the two sons die. No. No the book does not explain how. 

Oh, interchangeable sons who didn't matter. We hardly knew ye.

Wait. Is this book about to give us a story about women and only women? AND they ALL get names?!

Please don't get kidnapped please don't get kidnapped please don't get kidnapped. 

Naomi decides to head back home after hearing the famine is over. Her daughter-in-laws want to come with her. Naomi tells them politely that they should go home to their parents. Orpah and Ruth insist on coming with her. Naomi then gives them a reality check.

"Am I going to have any more sons, who would become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons—would you wait until they grew up?"

Women can only hang out if they're married to each other's male relatives. This book is failing the Bechtel test pretty hard. 

This convinces Orpah not Oprah to give up and return to her family. Ruth isn't convinced. She doesn't need a man to hang out with Naomi. Ruth is the most progressive person in this book and also potentially in love with Naomi. 

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me." 

No one has ever loved their mother in law this much. 

The two of them go on a road trip to Bethlehem where Naomi insists on nicknaming herself:

"Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."

Naomi has been listening to a lot of Morrissey albums. 

Chapter 2:

Ruth goes to work in the field picking up leftover grains to sell, when a man named Boaz notices her. 

"Who does that young woman belong to?"

Boaz makes a move with his unparalleled flirting skills:

"Hey daughter,"

Hey daddy.

"I have told the men not to lay a hand on you."

The other women are totally fair game, but you girl, you're special.  

"And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled."

Remember dumb woman, when you get thirsty, drink water. 

Ruth is into it. She falls at his feet and asks 

"How have i found such favor in your eyes?"

Boaz heard what she did for Naomi so she gets that special treatment: water and going unassaulted. 

The flirting continues, at meal time he shares bread and dipping sauces with her. He secretly tells the men not to yell at her and to help her by essentially doing the work for her without her knowing it. 

Awww how sweet, he doesn't think she's capable of working. What a romantic story of mutual respect. I'll stick with the Samson romance of multiple wives actively trying to murder him thank you.

Judges 21

Good news. This is the last chapter of Judges.

Bad news. My head hurts from the amount of stupidity I had to read in this chapter.

In the last chapter, the Israelites went to war with the Benjamites (who are also Israelites) and win. It took them three tries. They outnumbered the Benjamites by hundreds of thousands...but it took them three tries.

The Israelites vowed to never let their daughters marry the Benjamites, which is fair because some Benjamite men raped and murdered a woman and the rest of the Benjamites stood by those men. Still, the Israelites feel really bad about the whole thing because they've already forgotten about the raped and dismembered woman. The Benjamites aren't such bad guys. They were just drunk. This one act doesn't represent who they are. They're really good swimmers. Don't be such a nag okay?

The Israelites can't bear the thought of their fellows Israelites, the Benjamites dying off. A whole Israelite tribe gone forever? It's unthinkable. Though, they can't possibly break their vow. Their solution? The dumbest thing you're going to hear today, provided you do not read about any current events.

The Israelites also made a vow to kill any tribe that did not help them in the war against the Benjamites. Jabesh Gilead did not help in the war. So...

The Israelites decide...wait for it...to kill everyone in the Jabesh Gilead tribe (except for the virgin girls) in order to give wives to the Benjamites...the people they went to war with. They can't stand the thought of an Israelite tribe dying off...so they kill off another one instead. They are killing their own people who didn't help them to kill the people they were at war with in order to help the people they were at war with. 

That's like...if I got into a fight with my brother because my brother was being a total dick.One of my sisters wanted no part in the violence, so she sits it out. Then, later, I feel bad about fighting with my brother....even though he shows no remorse and I was totally justified in fighting him in the first place but I feel bad about it anyway and I just want to get along again. So my solution is to MURDER my sister to make my dick brother feel better.

Wait guys. It get dumber.

After giving the Jabesh Gilead virgins to the Benjamites like a non-consensual fruit basket, they realize there still aren't enough wives for them. Solution? Kidnap more virgins.

The Israelites tell the Benjamites to go to Shiloh where there is a festival of women (probably little girls) dancing to get a husband. Dancing is a very important skill, some say, the foundation of a marriage.

The Israelites can't break their vow and just LET the Benjamites marry any other Israelites, but the Benjamites can kidnap the women (little girls) from another Israelite tribe. You see, these men wouldn't want to break their vows and lose their honor...so...they promote kidnapping women (little girls)...women (little girls) in their own tribes...

The Benjamites hide in the bushes, watch the dancing, then kidnap the women (little girls). When the fathers of  the women (little girls) come to complain about it, this is what the other Israelites tell them:

"Do us the favor of helping them, because we did not get wives for them during the war. You will not be guilty of breaking your oath because you did not give your daughters to them."

TLDR: The Israelite method of arguing

It works. The plan works. All these honorable bros agree on the loophole and little girls continue to get passed around to their own war mongering cousins.

End of Judges.

Have a nice day.

Judges 20

Hello to the two people who read my blog and also hello to the 50 Facebook followers who thought this was a sincere blog of someone reviewing the bible. I'm sorry. 

It's been awhile. Please accept my drawing of a hipster dragon, which was created by a 28 year old human woman, and not a chimpanzee with a concussion, as my apology. 
  

Everyone knows that chimpanzees only do abstract art. 

If you don't remember what happened last time and can't be bothered to read the last blog entry which is literally a summary, here's a shorter summary of that summary. A husband took his wife to a town called Gibeah where the Benjamites live. They stayed with an old man and his family until a mob swarmed the house demanding to rape the husband because that's just how people welcome newcomers in this book. 

The old man hosting them is all, "Don't be ridiculous you can't rape my guest! Go ahead and rape his wife though. And if you agree in the next 10 minutes, I'll throw in my daughters as a one time special offer!"


                                         

The mob wasn't into it. The husband made his wife go outside anyway. Is that what chivalry is? Ladies first right? Bad things happen to the wife. The next morning, the husband who was totally capable of sleeping that night opened the front door to find his dead wife on the porch. Then, the husband dismembers his wife and sends her body parts all over the land as some kind of bat signal to the rest of the Israelites. There was a reason I needed a break from this book. 

Judges 20: 

All of Israel, minus the ladykiller Benjamites, respond to the lady parts bat signal and get together to discuss a plan of action. They ask the husband to describe what happened. it is unclear to me whether he sent a note with the body parts. Is sending a body part just shorthand for "Please send help?"

The Absolute Worst Husband Ever tells his side of the story:

"I and my concubine" Wife. "came to Gibeah in Benjamin to spend the night. During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me." Mmmm that's not what they wanted. "They raped my concubine and she died." Leaving out some details. "I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance." As one does. 

The Israelites accept his story then work on a needlessly complicated plan of action.

" 'We'll go up against it in the order decided by casting lots. We'll take ten men out of every hundred from all the tribes of Israel, and hundred from a thousand, and a thousand from ten thousand, to get provisions for the army." Someone is really excited about just learning how fractions work. " 'Then, when the army arrives at Gibeah in Benjamin, we can give them what they deserve for this outrageous act done in Israel.' So all the Israelites got together and united as one against the city."

The Israelites get together and go after the Benjamites. One sentence. Could have just used one sentence. 

The Israelites messengers try to convince the Benjamites to  turn over the specific people (men) responsible for the rape and murder of the concubine (wife) and if the Benjamites had read as much of the bible as I have, they'd realize how insanely reasonable it is for any character in this book to only want to punish the specific people responsible. Unfortunately, the Benjamites haven't read the bible, so they decide to fight and risk their lives on behalf of some murdering rapists...rapist murderers... murrapists...

The Benjamites get 26,000 swordsmen together. You gotta have your swordsman. Solid decision. That's what I'd round up. What else you got?

"Among these soldiers there were seven hundred select troops who were left-handed, each of whom could sling a stone at a hair and not miss."

Soooo just like...lefties who throw rocks? 

Still more useful than him. 

 
The Israelites round up 400,000 men. This book really likes math. Jesus and James are probably Dungeons and Dragons nerds. 

The Israelites prepare for war by talking to God. The book doesn't specify how they do this so let's just picture them talking to a magic 8 ball.

The Israelites ask God which tribe they should send into battle first. My answer is...all of them...just send all your people against the very few people they have and end this, but the Israelites want to keep things fair. 

God says: "Judah shall go first."

Spoiler alert. God doesn't like Judah. 

The next morning, the Israelites go against the Benjamites...and lose. The Benjamites kill 22,000 men on the battlefield. 

Israelites. What are you doing? You have 400,000 men. They have 26,700 men. Are the lefty rock thrower really that good? 

The Israelites cry to their magic 8 ball and ask if they should fight again the next day which isn't really the right question to ask. 

God: "Go up against them."

The Israelites lose again. 

The Israelites sacrifice some animals to God, hoping he'll stop screwing with them. This time, God promises them a win. God loves dead animals. 

On the third day. The Benjamites cheerfully murder more of their former allies: "We are defeating them as before." That's definitely how people talk during battle. 

But little did the Benjamites know that THIS time the Israelites made something called a "plan."

The Israelites lead the Benjamites away from Benjamin and ambush them...with the hundreds of thousands of men...they had literally the whole time.

After defeating the Benjamites, the Israelites take over all of Benjamin. "The men of israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found. 

No sudden movements. 

Judges 19: The Worst Chapter Ever

Happy birthday America. To celebrate the state of our country, let's talk about the worst chapter in this book, which is saying something because it had some serious competition. This chapter gave me a lot of feelings and when I have a lot of feelings I put in a lot of GIFS because expressing the emotions this chapter forced upon me with words is beyond my vocabulary. 

The chapter ominously starts with "In those days Israel had no king." i.e. shit's about to get real you guys. 

We're off to our usual not so female friendly start when a man's "concubine" is "unfaithful" to him and runs away back to her family.

I looked some stuff up. "Concubine" is another word for wife. Not the best pet name. 

The book is vague about what exactly "unfaithful" means and why she runs away in the first place. After reading this chapter, my theory isn't that she's a bored housewife. 

The Levite husband who has no name (which in no way makes up for all the nameless women in this book) chases after his nameless concubine wife. Eventually the husband takes his wife back and they head out on a road trip. The husband and concubine stop in Gibeah. They sit in the city square until an old man finds them and offers them a place to stay, but not before creeping them out with ominous warnings of doom as every old person in a horror story must do, "don't spend the night in the square." Why old man?! What's wrong with the square?!

We're about to get deja vu either because this book is trying to metaphor something or it's a hot mess. Remember Lot and his guests? Remember how the whole town wanted to rape his guests and Lot was all "Hey you guys, you can't rape my guests but go ahead and take my virgin daughters"? But horrific gang rape was averted by an act of God? Well, God's not in this book anymore. He's with Gendry out in a canoe. 

The town surrounds the old man's home and demands that they give up the Levite husband so that they can reenact Deliverance. 

Then, the owner of the house says some stuff that I'm just going to quote directly because there's nothing I can say to make it any more ridiculous than it actually is. Satire is holding a mirror to society and if you try to satirize what already feels like a satire of reality, you're just holding a mirror to a mirror and then we're just in a terrifying funhouse of mirrors with no escape. Welcome to 2017. Anyway, this is what the old man says word for fucking word:

"No, my friends; don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." 

Let's break this down. 

Firstly, "my friends"? you think a "Hey, buddy, let's think this through?" works on a group of rapists?  

Secondly, "Since this man is my guest" because it'd be totes fine to rape someone so long as he's not a guest right? 

Thirdly, "Look, here is my virgin daughter" go fuck yourself.

Fourthly, "and his concubine" and she's not your guest? Go fuck yourself with a Saguaro Cactus. 

Fifthly, "You can use them and do to them whatever you wish." They only said sex.They didn't have the imagination to think of more things until you suggested it you sick sick bastard.

Sixthly, "But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." BECAUSE IT'S ONLY OUTRAGEOUS IF IT'S MAN ON MAN RAPE RIGHT?!

There aren't enough table in the world to soothe my lady rage. 

But the men weren't into that, so the Levite husband gets into hero mode and takes things into his own hands, sacrificing himself for the safety of everyone. JK he sends his "concubine" out there. 

"and they raped and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go." 

At dawn, the concubine lays motionless on the doorstep. Her loving husband steps outside and takes her up in his arms, screaming to God "Why oh why did you take her from me?!" Just kidding:

"He said to her 'Get up. Let's Go." 

When there was no answer, he threw her on his donkey and went on his way. When he returns home with her, he chops her up into twelve pieces and sends her body parts into all the areas of Israel. 

Let's take a moment and remember that the book did not actually specify if she was already dead or not and NO I don't think that the Levite husband is above thinking she's now useless since she was used up by rapists and decides the best thing to do is to put her out of her misery like a horse with a broken leg. 

The people of Israel who receive the Levite's gift baskets react with way more enthusiasm than I am comfortable with: "Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So speak up!"

There are better ways to get woke people. 

Judges 17-18

It's been a long time. I've missed you. Let's suffer through this book together. 

Chapter 17 Micah's Idols: 

I couldn't bring myself to read for awhile because I knew once Samson died that this book couldn't be that good again, at least not for another thousand pages and I was right. What's this exciting chapter about? Micah the thief. The chapter starts out assuming we already know these characters. I checked to see if some pages were missing but no, all the numbers are there, it's just poorly written. I can tell Jesus and James have the ambition of George R. R. Martin for world building with about a thousand characters but the difference is George can actually develop his characters, give them dialogue, and the women have names. Jesus and James should really just focus on a handful of characters, and they should name the women. Seriously guys. 

The chapter starts out thusly: 

"Now a man named Micah from the hill country of Ephraim said to his mother, 'The eleven hundred shekels of silver that were taken from you and about which I heard you utter a curse-I have that silver with me; I took it.' "

Just look at that shit sentence. That sentence would be covered in red marks in a middle school English class. What is that? Who let this get published? Intro sentence: There's this guy and his nameless mother and he says "You know how you were swearing about stolen money, I stole that money." 

Were the authors just racing each other? This book is thousands of pages long and you couldn't take like a paragraph to set up a scene? Why couldn't this whole book just be about lion carcass honey eating, donkey jawbone wielding, compulsive lady liar loving, harry Samson? You were taken too soon from us. 

I found this on a website titled "Bible Fun for Kids"

Back to boring Micah who probably isn't man enough to fight a lion. Micah stole money from his nameless mother and instead of giving him a beating, she asks that the Lord bless him and not in a passive aggressive way a mother might pray for a child before punishing them severely. 

She's just so excited that her son admitted to it. Dear Micah's nameless mother, this enabling behavior creates criminals. I'm naming Micah's mother Cersei. That's a Game of Thrones reference and if you were hoping I was going to stop making those and find yourself frustrated with me, just keep in mind that I was hoping this book would start naming women. I guess we're both just going to have to keep being disappointed aren't we? 

So Cersei takes her enabling a few steps further. When Micah returns the stolen money, she turns the silver into an idol for him to worship. Micah grows up and adds to his idols, creating a stay at home temple. He turns one of his sons into a priest. The book foreshadows that worshipping Lord in your pajamas is a no no: 

"In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit." 

A Levite passed through looking for a place to stay. Micah's thirsty for a Levite priest and asks him to stay. The Levite agrees and is treated like a son. Dear authors, just because you didn't name the male Levite doesn't make up for not naming women. That's like saying it's cool to objectify women because we now demand that celebrity males have abs. Two wrongs don't make a right. Name your ladies or I will and they will all be Game of Thrones references. All of them.

Chapter 18 The Danites Settle in Laish: 

The book emphasizes that Israel has no king during these times so people did whatever tf they wanted. Things are about to get real. The Danites, which are a tribe of people I can't remember if I'm supposed to remember or not, are in search of land. They send out five men in search of land. They spend the night at Micah's and recognize the Levite and ask what he's doing there. The Levite explains he is a live-in priest. The Danites ask him to ask God if their journey will be successful. Levite priests are Lord Translators now. The Levite immediately says they have Lord's approval. Lord doesn't get direct quotes anymore. 

Since the Danites get Lord's approval, are they the good guys? Because the next section does not make it seem like they are the good guys. 

"So the five men left and came to Laish, where they saw that the people were living in safety, like the Sidonioans, at peace and secure. And since their land lacked nothing, they were prosperous. Also, they lived a long way from the Sidonians and had no relationship with anyone else."

Once upon a time a sleepy little village lived in peace and prosperity...until a group of people chosen by Lord decided to fuck their shit up. 

The five men return to the Danites and let them know about the peaceful innocent Laish and about the man who let them stay as guests: 

"Do you know that one of these houses has an ephod, some household gods and an image overlaid with silver? Now you know what to do." 

Our heroes proceed with their plans to murder a town of innocent people and steal from the man who showed them hospitality. These are the protagonists stamped with Lord approval. 

600 men go to Micah's to steal all his idols and silver. They ask the Levite, who is like a son to Micah, to betray his father figure. They have to spend a lot of time convincing him:

"'Be quiet! Don't say a word. Come with us, and be our father and priest. Isn't it better that you serve a tribe and clan in Israel as priest rather than just one man's household?' The priest was very pleased. He took the ephod, the household gods and the idol and went along with the people." 

Our heroes set off with the loot. Micah and his men pursue them and the Danites are really offended:

"What's the matter with you that you called out your men to fight?"

I'm not making this up. The men who just stole everything from Micah ask "Hey, what's your problem? Why can't you just let us get away with this?"

Micah's response:

"You took the gods I made, and my priest, and went away. What else do I have? How can you ask, 'what's the matter with you?'"

Dinate's response:

"'Don't argue with us, or some of the men may get angry and attack you, and you and your family will lose your lives.'"

The Danites are Marvel fans and probably children. 

Micah shrugs his shoulders and heads back home. Our heroes go onto slaughter, rape, and pillage the unsuspecting town of Laish because they wanted the land for themselves. They burn the city to the ground because the Danites and Lord are strongly against recycling. Our Lord approved heroes make a life there and continue to use the silver idols that belonged to Micah. Remember when the the Exodus Israelites were horribly punished for worshipping a golden calf? Lord doesn't talk directly in the book anymore either. Do you think the big twist in this book is that he's dead now and the humans are making up rules that are convenient for them? 

Judges 15-16

Samson is officially my favorite character in this book. Sure, he’s just as unstable and murdery as past characters have been but he just DGAF. He doesn’t pretend to be the good guy, he’s merely a strong meat vessel going around tearing up lions and goats. I love him and I never want his journey to end but I know this book can't let me love something for too long. I don’t know how you’ve been picturing Samson, but I’m picturing Khal Drogo because they both love violence and hair and my mind only has room for the 3 million or so characters from Game of Thrones.

Chapter 15: Samson comes home, grabs a goat, and attempts to go to his wife’s room. Manoa, Samson’s father, stops him concerned about the intentions might have with the goat. Manoa explains that Samson’s wife is gone because:

“ ‘I was so sure you hated her,’ he said, “that I gave her to your companion. Isn’t her younger sister more attractive? Take her instead.”

In this book, women can be casually gifted and re-gifted to people and by people I mean men, the only people considered people in this book.

Rather than rip his dad up like a goat, Samson blames the Philistines for his lost wife and prepares for his revenge.  

“So he went out and caught three hundred foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs.”

We need to talk about Samson.

“He then fastened a torch to every pair of tails, lit the torches and let the foxes loose in the standing grain of the Philistines.”

Dear God I'm burning alive, please put me out of my misery.

In retaliation, the Philistines burn Samson’s ex-wife and her father to death. The irony is that Samson's wife started all this by trying to avoid fire danger. If only she didn’t allow herself to be forced into a marriage against her will with a psycho, all this could have been avoided. Women.  

Samson who apparently has short term memory loss when it comes to his own actions says: “ ‘Since you’ve acted like this, I swear that I won’t stop until I get my revenge on you.’ ”

I mean...you kind of already got “revenge” and it’s what got you into this mess in the first place but it’s more entertaining than the rest of this book combined so proceed.

My sweet murder boy Samson goes a slaughtering before living in a cave like the hairy bear man he is.

I think it's important to remember that this guy has never cut his hair and this book hasn't even mentioned how he wears it. In a bun? A braid? Pigtails? There's no way he can leave his hair down with all his fire shenanigans

The Philistines find out Samson is hibernating in a cave and send his own people after him. The men ask Samson why he had to get into all this in the first place:

“He answered, ‘I merely did to them what they did to me.’ ”

I don’t remember the Philistines getting too creative with wildlife, Samson.

The Israelites are pretty straight forward and tell thim they have to turn him into the enemy. Samson asks only that they don’t kill him themselves which they agree to. They bind him in ropes and bring him to the Philistines UNTIL

“The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him.”

The ropes burns up and fall off of Samson. AND THEN

“Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.”

Samson just keeps healing all the boredom wounds this book has inflicted on me:

“With a donkey’s jawbone

   I have made donkeys of them.

With a donkey’s jawbone

   I have killed a thousand men.”

This book just turned into an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Sociopaths love puns. Particularly murder puns.

“Because he was very thirsty, he cried out to the Lord, ‘You have given your servant this great victory. Must I now die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?’ ”

If any other character in this book was just saved by Lord then immediately demanded more and complained, they and generations of descendants would be plagued a thousand times over, but not this guy. This guy is hilariously reckless and ungrateful.

The chapter ends by stating Samson rules over the Israelites for 20 years which had me worried that his story was over but thankfully we are gifted with one more chapter of batshit crazy.

16: Hey There Samson and Delilah

Samson goes and hangs out with a prostitute. His enemies surround the place and wait all night, planning to get him at dawn, but Samson avoids them by leaving in the middle of the night.

Did they think he was going to have breakfast with the prostitute?

Samson makes an escape through the city by tearing up their barriers like the beast he is. The book makes the same mistake it usually does by offering no conclusions and skips ahead to the future, but I can forgive them this one time because they brought Samson into my life.  

Samson falls in love with another woman who gets a name! Her name is Delilah and she is quickly corrupted by the Philistines who tell her if she finds out his weakness they will each giver her eleven hundred shekels of silver. Samson has a thing for deceptive women.

“So Delilah said to Samson, ‘Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.’ ”

Real subtle Delilah.

What’s Samson’s secret to strength? My guess would be that his mother is the only woman who didn’t drink while pregnant but let’s see what he says.

“ ‘If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.’ ”

How...how does his know this?

The Philistines bring the seven fresh bowstrings and Delilah ties him up in the night as the Philistines hide in the room. Delilah shouts to Samson “ ‘The Philistines are upon you!’ ” Then he snaps the bowstrings “as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame.” This is a more appropriate analogy than suggesting Samson tore a lion up as easily as a goat.

“Then Delilah said to Samson, ‘You have made a fool of me’ ”

Yes, yes he did.

“ ‘You lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.’ ”

Come oooooon just tell me how to murder you.

“He said, ‘If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.’ ”

I love him, I love him so much. He's fine spending time with a woman continually trying to get him killed and just toying with her. Do you think getting her to tie him up is just his kink?

So they go through the same things with the new ropes and he escapes again. Delilah gets mad again and demands that her husband be honest about his weakness because that’s what a good husband would do.

It’s true. Whenever I start dating a guy, I demand that he tell me all his humiliating, shameful secrets immediately and if he doesn’t, I know he’s not worth my time.

Samson tells Delilah another fun lie: “ ‘If you weave the seven braids of my head.’ ”

OMG so much fan service now, all the answers I wanted. Braids. I was hoping it would be braids. This really plays into my Khal Drogo fantasy.

Delilah and the Philistines fail again. Delilah guilts Samson some more.

“ ‘How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me?’ ”

How can you say you love me if you won't tell me how to murder you? I also love Delilah.

“ ‘This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.’ With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.”

Samson’s true weakness is nagging.

Samson finally tells her everything. That in order to weaken him, you need to shave his head.

Delilah shaves his head while he’s sleeping and this time the Philistines are able to capture him, tie him up, and GOUGE OUT HIS EYES.

They put him in prison to grind grain. His hair begins to grow again but unfortunately not his eyes.

The Philistines demand that Samson come out of prison to their temple and entertain them for a celebration. The book doesn’t specify what sort of entertainment Samson would provide but I choose to believe it’s competitive blind hair braiding.

The temple is full of all of the important Philistines expecting to be entertained by a blind man they’ve imprisoned. Samson has other more murdery plans. He prays to God to give him enough strength just once to get revenge for his two lost eyes. Again, Samson’s idea of revenge is always pretty disproportionate to what he’s actually suffered. He pulls the central pillars of the temple down,

“ ‘Let me die with the Philistines!’ Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.”

I love that killing is his good deed.  In this case suicide is okay so long as you’re murdering the most amount of enemies possible.  I will miss you my hairy murder angel.