Monday, March 2, 2015

Exodus 31-32

Hello HBB readers. It's been a little while. I've been on the other side of the world and when you're on the other side of the world, you don't do anything productive. Let's recap what happened last time. There were many rules. Ok all caught up now? Let's see what happens next.

Chapter 31:

God tells Moses that he's given a guy named Bezalel special powers. Who's Bezalel you ask? Why he's the son of Uri and the grandson of Hur from the tribe of Judah. Does that clear things up for you? Bezalel has the skill, ability and knowledge for EVERY KIND OF WORK. He will use this power in order to make a pretty temple to hold all the neat stuff God wanted made in his honor. Bezalel can do any sort of work. He could be like Tesla. He could invent things like the internet or indoor plumbing. How will he use his insanely awesome powers? He will be God's interior designer.

God wants the COI (Children of Israel) to take a day off during the week for the Sabbath. If you choose to not rest during the Sabbath and wants to run some errands during your free time YOU SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH.

Sorry, if I pick you up at the airport today I'll be put to death. 

Chapter 32:

Moses has been away for some time up on the mountain listening to God's rules and shopping list. While he is away the COI get impatient that they don't have something to worship. They're addicted to worshipping things. They don't know what's happened to Moses so they ask his brother Aaron to whip them up some new gods to worship. Aaron says all right and has them melt down their jewelry to make them some new gods. That easy.

"Then he made the metal image of a bull calf, and the people declared 'These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!" When Aaron saw this, he built and altar in front of the calf. Then Aaron announced, 'Tomorrow will be a festival to the LORD' They got up early the next day and offered up entirely burned offerings"

No wonder God was acting like a jealous boyfriend. God leaves them alone for 5 minutes and they're already moving on to some shabby homemade golden cow and you know how God feels about cows. God gets pretty pissed and talks about all the horrible things he's going to do to the COI as punishment. Moses calms him down. He asks God why he would want to do horrible things to the people he took such great pains to save in the first place. Moses adds a little slyly that the Egyptians will get to say that God took the COI out to the desert just to murder them if he doesn't show some mercy.

"Well done Moses." I said to myself before I read the next section.

Moses comes down with 2 big stone tablets with all the special rules God wrote down himself. Once Moses sees the COI worshipping the golden calf, he throws a hissy fit and breaks the tablets. Moses asks his brother Aaron.

"What did these people do to you that lead you to commit such a terrible sin?"

"Well they asked me to...soooo I did."

Moses gathers those that claim to be on the Lord's side.

"Each of you, strap on your sword! Go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other. Each of you, kill your brother, your friend, and your neighbor!"

In order to rectify the sin of worshipping another god, the true believers commit the sin of murder and not really respecting their neighbors. After they kill off 3,000 of their family, friends, and neighbors, Moses informs them that they all now get a special blessing but the next day Moses reminds them that they still committed a terrible sin and he will go up to the Lord to try and cool things down because it worked out so well the last time.

Moses says to God: "Oh what a terrible sin these people have committed! They made for themselves gods of gold. But now, please forgive their sin! And if not, then wipe me out of your scroll that you've written."  

God says that he will only erase the names of those that have sinned against him. He reminds Moses that in spite of the spectacular murder spree the remaining COI survivors have committed, the sin will count against them on the day of reckoning. The Lord then shows mercy by sending a plague on what's left on the true believer.

The lesson to take away here? Don't ever worship a fucking cow.

Murder and plagues coming their way

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