Monday, February 2, 2015

Exodus 22-30

The next bit is mainly rules. Again. I'll give you the highlights.

Chapter 22: 

Apparently the "make my day" law originated here. It's cool to kill a thief that sneaks into your house at night unless he comes in broad daylight...because reasons.

There are lots of fascinating property laws involving farm animals.

If a man seduces a "young woman" (no word on the consequences of seducing an old one) and they aren't married, he has to marry her and pay a bride price for her. If the father doesn't allow them to marry, the man still has to pay the bride price. No word on what happens if the young woman does not want to be seduced or married.

"Don't allow a female sorcerer to live."

"Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal should be put to death."

"Anyone who offers sacrifices to any god, other than the LORD alone, should be destroyed."

Again with the jealousy issues.

"Don't mistreat or oppress an immigrant, because you were once immigrants in the land of Egypt. Don't treat any widow or orphan badly. If you do treat them badly and they cry out to me, you can be sure that I'll hear their cry. I'll be furious, and I'll kill you with the sword. Then your wives will be widows, and your children will be orphans."

My favorite:

"If you lend money to my people who are poor among you, don't be a creditor and charge them interest."

Chapter 23:

"Don't spread false rumors. Don't plot with evil people to act as a lying witness. Don't take sides with important people to do wrong. When you act as a witness, don't stretch the truth to favor important people."

I have nothing witty to say or meme to this. I just think it's a good rule.

"When you happen to come across your enemy's ox or donkey that has wandered off, you should bring it back to them."

Cows are fair game though.

"Don't take a bribe, because a bribe blinds the clear-sighted and subverts the cause of those who are right."

Another good rule I appreciate unironically.

He repeats the "Don't oppress an immigrant" rule. He's really partial to that one.

"Don't call on the names of other gods. Don't even mention them."

He cannot stand to hear you even mention your ex.

"Don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk."

Solid advice.


After the rules are established, God says that he's going to send a messenger to lead the COI and they better not disobey him because he's not merciful. Like he'll turn you into way worse spices than salt if you give him lip. The COI are going to have to face a whole bunch of other tribes that are going to want to fight them. God warns them not to fall for the hot new gods and idols they might see in these other tribes. In fact, they should probably straight up destroy them.

"don't bow down to their gods, worship them, or do what they do. Instead, you should completely destroy them and smash their sacred stone pillars to bits."

To sum up, don't be friends with people who don't believe what you believe and also destroy the items that represent their cherished beliefs and so long as you follow these rules, women will never miscarry or be infertile, no one will get sick, people will live long full lives full of...hatred of other people.

Chapter 24:

Moses writes the rules down and asks everyone if they're cool with them. Everyone marks the the "I understand the terms and conditions" box without much thought then Moses throws a bunch of blood at them because pinky promises are for pansies. Moses then hangs out on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights in a cloud with God.

Chapter 25: 

Moses spends this time chatting with God about a sanctuary God would like them to build for him. He wants it filled with fancy things like gold, silver, spices, gemstones...yarn...goat's hair, etc. God wants Moses to put the covenant of rules made with the COI in the sanctuary. Moses is to store the covenant of rules in a fancy gold chest in order to later melt Nazi faces.

God also tells Moses in excruciating detail how to make a sweet table and lampstand to his liking.

Chapter 26: God tells Moses how to build the sanctuary.

Chapter 27: God tells Moses how to build the altar, the courtyard for the sanctuary, and what olive oil to use for the lampstand. Moses has now been promoted from secretary to interior designer.

Chapter 28: God tells Moses how the priests should dress.

Chapter 29: More priest things.

Chapter 30: God tells Moses what to do for the incense altar and washbasin and oil and incense. He's real specific about his oil and incense needs.

I can't make these sections funny for you. I am sorry. Please accept this baby goat that has not been boiled in its mother's milk as penance for my failures.

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