Deuteronomy 25-30

Chapter 25:

Plot is still a far off dream for this book but at least we get to read about more rules passed down from God through his meat puppet Moses to God’s hostages people.

My favorite rule so far involves duties I was unaware a brother-in-law had. If there are two brothers and one of them gets married but dies before his wife produces a son, the brother-in-law must step in. He must marry and impregnate that widow, then morbidly, the son must be named after the dead brother to carry on his name. If the brother-in-law refuses to fulfill his duty, the widow gets to spit in his uncooperative face, steal one of his sandals and the brother-in-law’s family line will from then on be called “The Family of the Unsandaled.” You guys, I know you think this is one of my silly exaggerations, but it’s totally in there.

“However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, 'My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.' Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, 'This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.' That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.”

And that brother in law must hobble on one sandal FOREVER like an a-symmetrical fool.

My next favorite rule:

“ If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”

Show her no pity. 

Ladies, find a way to subdue a man without using his gendered physical weaknesses against him. It’s not like men would ever take advantage of your womanly weaknesses right? Right?

Chapter 26:

When the Israelites make it to the Promised Land, they have to make some offerings. 1/10th of their produce must be given to Levites, widows, orphans, and foreigners. It’s almost like taxes going to the needy or something. It’s almost like this fictional character of God, while random, moody, and terrifying, really values people in need and refugees and immigrants and really insists that his own people treat them kindly, or else. I guess we could learn something from this book as a society. But it’s just a work of fiction after all amiright? Anyhoo.  

Chapter 27:

The Lord will bless you if you’re obedient and curse you terribly if you aren’t. They write down 12 of the rules on rocks and chant them.

Chapter 28:

Moses reiterates that obedience to all of God’s super simple and not at all contradictory rules will get everyone blessings. However, disobedience will result in the Israelites living through a Game of Thrones winter. While the curses are terrifying I do have to admire God’s speech writing skills. The threats are eerily beautiful to read.

“The Lord will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him.”

“Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away. The Lord will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. The Lord will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. At midday you will grope about like a blind person in the dark. You will be unsuccessful in everything you do; day after day you will be oppressed and robbed, with no one to rescue you.”

“You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and rape her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them. Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand.”

NO ONE WILL RESCUE THE SHEEP?!

The Lord will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth, like an eagle swooping down, a nation whose language you will not understand, a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young.” . . . “They will lay siege to all the cities throughout your land until the high fortified walls in which you trust fall down. They will besiege all the cities throughout the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

“Because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you. Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For in her dire need she intends to eat them secretly because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of your cities.”

YOU’RE GOING TO EAT YOUR BABIES AND YOU WON’T EVEN SHARE.

Chapter 29:

Moses reviews their history AGAIN clearly stalling for time before he dies. He reminds them of all the suffering God put the Egyptians through and what God could put them through. Kind of seems like God was just making an example out of the Egyptians to continually threaten the people he’s “saving.”

Chapter 30:

If the Israelites are disobedient, God will scatter them across nations but there is a loophole. If you and your children really really love God and show your obedience, God will bring you back to the promise land, make you more prosperous than your ancestors and . . . some other stuff.

“The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live.”

Sounds like God’s about to drop his new single.

Moses goes on about the two choices the Israelites have which are pretty simple: life and prosperity or death and destruction. He even throws in a “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” Yeah, definitely not a hostage situation.

Deuteronomy 23-24

23:

"No man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off can belong to the LORDS's assembly."

"No illegitimate children can belong to the LORD's assembly either. Not even the tenth generation of such children can belong to the LORD's assembly."

Doesn't matter how noble you are.

"If an individual in the camp becomes polluted due to a nighttime emission, he must exit the camp area and not reenter."

Make sure you masturbate regularly when camping so you don't have a "nighttime emission."

"The latrines must be outside the camp. You will use them there, outside the camp. Carry a shovel with the rest of your gear; once you have relieved yourself, use it to dig a hole, then refill it, covering your excrement."

This seems less like moral advice than practical. What I'm saying is that did the Israeli people really need an omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient being to give them camp shitting advice?

"Do these things because the LORD your God travels with you, right in the middle of your camp, ready to save you and to hand your enemies over to you."

But not if you shit in the tent.

"Don't return slaves to owners if they've escaped and come to you. They can stay with you: in your own community or in any place they select from one of your cities, whatever seems good to them. Don't oppress them."

This book's view on slavery seems a little inconsistent. Do the writers just switch off writing sections and not communicate with each other at all?

"No Israelite daughter is allowed to be a consecrated worker. Neither is any Israelite son allowed to be a consecrated worker. Don't bring a female prostitute's fee or a male prostitute's payment to the LORD"

Good news prostitutes. You can keep your money! God is not a pimp.

"Don't charge your fellow Israelites interest" . . . "You can charge foreigners interest"

It's okay to fuck foreigners over financially, make them prostitutes, sell them into slavery, kill their families, marry (rape) their daughters and wives, but also be nice to and don't cheat immigrants, refugees, and runaway slaves. The rules are so simple you guys.

"When you make a promise to the LORD your God will certainly be expecting it from you; delaying would make you guilty. Now if you simply don't make any promises, you won't be guilty of anything."

Easy enough. Never make a promises to God just as you would avoid making promises to crazy boy/girlfriends.

"If you go into your neighbor's vineyard, you can eat as many grapes as you like, until full, but don't carry any away in a basket. If you go into your neighbor's grain field, you can pluck ears by hand, but you aren't allowed to cut off any of your neighbor's grain with a sickle."

It's cool to trespass and steal so long as you consume all that you steal on the spot. Finally, some fun rules.

24: 

Oh boy, the next section is titled "Marriage and Divorce." Prepare to be offended ladies.

You can divorce your wife if she isn't "pleasing" to you. No word on whether the woman can divorce the man. If she remarries and that guy also thinks she's lame and divorces her, you can't have her back because God doesn't understand that vaginas can be cleaned:

"...the first husband who originally divorced this woman is not allowed to take her back and marry her again after she has been polluted in this way because the LORD detests that. Don't pollute the land the LORD your God is giving to you as an inheritance."

Uhhhhhh vaginas aren't "land" LORD, not even if you say "land ho" when you penetrate them.

"A newly married man doesn't have to march in battle." . . . "so he can bring joy to his new wife."

 I bring to you one of the two rules in this book that are meant to benefit women. Unless the husband is the worst and she'd like him to go into battle as soon as possible.

"Don't take advantage of poor or needy workers, whether they are fellow Israelites or immigrants who live in your land or your cities. Pay them their salary the same day, before the sun sets, because they are poor, and their very life depends on that pay"

Don't be a dick to immigrants or the poor.

"Parents shouldn't be executed because of what their children have done; neither should children be executed because of what their parents have done. Each person should be executed for their own guilty acts."

But it's cool to exclude the descendants of bastards and you might suffer a family curse forever if your descendant happened to see his drunken father naked.

Deuteronomy 22

Chapter 22: 

"Women must not wear men's clothes, and men must not wear women's clothes. Everyone who does such things is detestable to the LORD your God."

 

See above: All detestable to the LORD

"If you come across a bird's nest along your way, whether in a tree or on the ground, with baby birds or eggs, and the mother is sitting on the baby birds or eggs, do not remove the mother from her young. You must let the mother go, though you may take the young for yourself so that things go well for you and so you can prolong your life."

It's not nice to eat bird babies in front of their mother. Wait until she goes out in search of food for her precious young, then take them.

"Don't plant your vineyards with two types of seed; otherwise, the entire crop that you have planted and the produce of the vineyard will be unusable."

"Don't plow with an ox and a donkey together."

"Don't wear clothes that mix wool and linen together."

"Make tassels for the four corners of the coat you wear."

Are these actual rules or just advice? It's like if that relative who has an opinion on how everything should be done suddenly attained absolute power and could destroy anyone who doesn't listen to their nagging.

On to my favorite section "Virgin Bride"

You know how sometimes you get married and as it turns out you hate your wife? Maybe because you live in a society that doesn't require women to become real people? Did you already have sex with her? Well, you'd think the obvious solution would be to go around town calling her a slut who wasn't a virgin when you married her but if her father has "evidence" that she was a virgin, you'll be fined 100 silver shekels and you still have to be married to her. You can still have other wives and mistresses and the wife whose reputation you ruined is still stuck married to you regardless but being a man is still super hard.

The "evidence" that the father needs to bring before the court is a wedding blanket covered in her hymen blood. If the father doesn't have that to give to the court:  "the city's elders will bring the young woman to the door of her father's house. The citizens of that city must stone her until she dies because she acted so sinfully in Israel by having extramarital sex while still in her father's house. Remove such evil from your community!"

Girls have to be stoned to death because no one knows how hymens work.

I wonder if the people in this community would be so eager to publicly stone their neighbors to death all the time if they just had Netflix to occupy their time.

The next section is naturally titled Inappropriate Sexual Behavior.

If a man has sex with a married women. Both of the must die. At least both genders die this time. Except it's probably fine to sleep with a married man.

If a girl is engaged to a man but has sex with another in a town, naturally they are both stoned to death but here's the weird part: "stone them until they die-the young woman because she didn't call for help in the city." But, if the man has sex with her in a field: "only the man will die. Don't do anything whatesoever to the young woman" . . . "Since the man met up with her in a field, the engaged woman may well have called out for help, but there was no one to rescue her." Soooo, in the first scenario she couldn't possibly have been raped...because they were in a town...and if she screamed for help...someone would have helped her. Good news ladies, if you're in a well populated area, you can't be raped.

If a man "meets up" with a virgin, meet up being the vaguest word for rape I've ever heard, and the virgin is not engaged to another man, no one dies. The rapist pays a fine of fifty shekels and is "punished" by having to marry the girl he raped and can never divorce her. To clarify, this is the man's punishment.

"A man cannot marry his father's former wife so that his father' private matters are not exposed." 

Like penis size or who's better in bed.

Deuteronomy 18-21

Hi 2-5 people who read my blog. I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've been spending the last few months of my life enjoying not reading the bible. I'm not sure why I'm doing it today. I guess I just have to find out if those crazy Israelites will ever get out of the desert. Will there be more incest? Will an interesting plot point happen again? Probably none of those things will happen, yet I just keep crawling back to this book of empty promises just like the Israelites keep crawling back to God's.

Let's burn through Deuteronomy so we can get to Joshua's adventures and read about how he will inevitably disappoint God just like the rest of them.

Chapter 18:

The tribe of Levi gets no inheritances. Because they're so special, they get to inherit God. This may seem like a raw deal and that's because it is, though they do get first dibs on the internal organs of sacrificial bulls, so it's not all bad.

Some travel advice from God: "When you enter the land the LORD your God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there."

Other cultures are the worst. Learn nothing about them.

One thing Lord and I agree on is that the Israelites shouldn’t burn people as punishment, though God’s reasoning is that that’s a witch custom and anything involving ladies making decisions is evil.

Lord then goes on to hint about a future prophet. He makes the prophet sound pretty special so it's probably not Josh. LG says that the prophet will basically be his own mouth puppet to tell the Israelites what to do. But what if some guy (because no way God's picking a chick) just makes up that he's the prophet and speaking on God's behalf you ask? Simple. If he's a liar, then none of his prophecies will come true. Duh. What if they predict something a thousand or so years in the future? You'll find out in the afterlife, which you'll be spending in hell, because you believed in the wrong prophet.

Chapter 19:

Every time the Israelites obtain new land, they must divide it into 3 parts. One part is what I will hereby call "Oops Island" because that's where all the accidental murderers run to for safety. LG gives an example as to why someone might require an Oops Island. You know when you go out with with your buddy to the woods to chop up some trees and how sometimes the axe handle flies off into your pal's most murderable bits instead of a tree? Then Oops Island is for you. Or maybe stop using shitty axes. Whichever.

More awesome rules from God: "One witness is not enough to convict anyone accused of any crime or offense they may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses."

You're welcome rapists.

Chapter 20:

Just a lot of promises of land and victory in this section. It's a speech of empty promises of Khaleesi proportions.

Not so different from God except that God's cool with slavery..

Chapter 21:

Some more batshit crazy rules. But you know what? These ones are new to me so I will take the time to share them with you.

If you find some dude murdered in the middle of nowhere and don’t know who the killer is, take a cow from whichever city is closest and take it out on the animal. Presumably because murderers love animals and can’t help but confess. Do you think that Lord feels the heat of the desert too and it’s cooking his omnipotent brain?

If during one of the many many violent conquests you will be participating in, you find yourself all hot and bothered by a foreign lady, here are the rules for taking her as your wife: Ask for her consent and stop murdering her loved ones. Just kidding. Abduct her, shave her head, lock her up in a house for a month to get all the lady emotions out for her very dead family, then you can do whatever. If you get sick of her, go ahead and throw her back like a fish, but you can’t sell her into slavery. That’s where LG draws the line.

Say you have two wives, because you’re a peasant and could only afford the two. Say you hate one of them. What if the one you hate gives birth to a son first? Are you really stuck passing your inheritance on to that one? Yes. And side note: Stop having sex with women you hate. Also, stop marrying women you hate.

Is your teenage son in that moody rebellious stage? Disobeying you? Quoting Catcher in the Rye? Well, you don't have to put up with that nonsense any longer.

"If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid."

Insert some pun about teenagers getting stoned here.

Deuteronomy 1-17

It's been awhile. I'm not going to apologize for it. You'd procrastinate on reading something titled "Deuteronomy" too. I could probably summarize what's going to happen without reading it. If I had to guess, this section is going to list off the same rules about dietary restrictions, cleanliness, holidays, how to sacrifice animals, etc. Also, God is going to get randomly angry and smite people in creative ways. Everyone will still be wandering in a desert by the end of the section.  The Israelites will conquer some land,  divide that land, destroy some false idols, and possibly have illicit sex with the locals. If I'm wrong about any of these predictions, if this upcoming section actually surprises me in any way, I'll write an apology note to the authors James and Jesus.

I'm going to try and plough through this section to get it over with. So far, it's not all that funny, so I'll be relying heavily and cheaply on swear words for humorous effect. Onward bitches. 

(I'm sorry if the "bitches" thing seemed too aggressive. It's been a long day.)

Chapter 1: 

The section starts off with Moses reminiscing over the Israelites and God's fave memories together. Like remember that time they conquered some land? Remember when they killed the locals for not believing in a god with a capital G? Those were good times right guys? 

And remember all those times you rebelled against God? And remember how he smited you so good for that? Oh right, you can't remember, because if you rebelled, you're super dead. Good times, guys. 

Chapter 2: 

Moses continues to reminisce about some other super exciting stuff like about that time the Israelites had to walk around a different part of the desert and they like, passed some land, and one time, they didn't get into a war over land and just left people alone because God told them to for reasons. And then God told them to kill some other king name Sihon, ruler of the Amorites, and all his people because of some other reasons. The Israelites tried to make peace with Sihon but God thought that was boring and stupid, so he hardened Sihon's heart (just like the Pharaoh in Egypt! God's not a fan of free will) so the Israelites killed Sihon and all his people, men, women, and children. Yay good guys! 

Chapter 3: 

And remember how we defeated this other king and killed all his people? King Og? Yeah, fuck Og. Do you remember that Og had a bed that was 13 feet long and 6 feet wide? Og wasn't 13 feet tall. Og was such a tool. Glad we murdered him and also all those other men, women, and children.

Remember when we divided all that land? Man, I love dividing land. 

Remember that time I pleaded for my life and how the LORD denied me despite all my loyal service? I think that's your guys' fault btw. I'm going to die here and never see the Promised Land. You know who's going to lead you now? Joshua. What kind of name is that for a leader? Fucking Josh? Have you ever in your life ever met a reliable guy named Josh? You haven't. You absolutely have not. Josh's are the worst. 

Chapter 4:

And another thing guys.

We need to go over the rules again. We haven't gone over those enough.

Remember how you had sex with those Moabite women? God hates when you have sex with people who aren't at least 50% likely to be your first cousin, so stop doing that. 

Aren't rules the best guys? We should be greatful for all the awesome rules that God took the time to force upon us. 

(If you think I'm exaggerating the ass-kissing, here's the quote: "See, I have taught you decrees and laws as the LORD my God commanded me, so that you may follow them in the land you are entering to take possession of it. 6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, “Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.” 7 What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him? 8 And what other nation is so great as to have such righteous decrees and laws as this body of laws I am setting before you today?" Moses is trying so hard not to die.)

Chapter 5: 

Remember the Ten Commandments? Well, it does't matter because I'm going to repeat them again. 

Chapter 6: 

Don't piss God off or he'll smite you. Pass on the fear of God to your children. 

Chapter 7: 

You guys are into conquering land and killing the locals right? Good, because you're going to be doing a whole lot more of that. 

Chapter 8: 

Don't forget all that God has done for you. Or else. 

Chapter 9:

You're going to go conquer some land now, not because any of you deserve land, it's because these people are evil. 

Remember that time you pissed God off with the golden calf? You people are the worst. You deserve nothing. Remember how I helped you out and pleaded for your lives? Yeah, doesn't matter though because I'm totally dying anyway. Fucking Josh. 

Chapter 10-17: 

Hey, did you read the last 4 sections of this book? Then you don't need to read these chapters. 

___________________________________

And we're halfway through Deuteronomy! 

Here's a cheap celebratory gif:

Numbers 33-36

Numbers 33: 

A lot of marching and camping. Here's a snippet of the riveting adventure I get to go on while reading this:

"They marched from Elim and camped by the Red Sea. They marched from the Reed Sea and camped in the Sin desert. They marched from the Sin desert and camped at Dophkah." This goes on for 34 more similar sentences.

Lord bosses around Moses some more. He's got to get in all that he can before he sends Moses off to his death. The Israelites need to take over the land of Canaan and drive all the people out and destroy all tokens of their false gods. Lord then gets into some of his trademark threatening, telling Moses that if the Israelites leave any of the Canaanite people in peace, the Canaanite will "prick your eyes and be thorns in your side. They will harass you in the land in which you are living. Then what I intended to do to them. I'll do to you."

I wonder if I'll get to read about any remotely likeable characters again in the next 815 pages of this book. Right now, it's like being stuck in the Cersei point of view chapter in Games of Thrones. A seemingly endless one.

Numbers 34: 

Lord repeats his Canaan spiel then gives Moses a geography lesson on the land the Israelites will take over:

"Your southern boundary extends from the Zin desert alongside Edom. Your southern border extends from the edge of the Dead Sea on the east. Your border will turn south of the ascent of Akrabbim and cross toward Zin. Its limit will be south of Kadesh-barnea." This goes on for several paragraphs. If I wasn't writing this blog, I would have quit reading this book a long long time ago. Those 2 to 3 likes a week are all that keep me going.

The chapter ends with an epic battle between the Israelites and Canaanites, filled with vivid detail that makes me feel like I'm really there, and there's character development, and plot. Just kidding. Lord divides up the land to different tribes.

"These are the names of the men who will assign the inheritance of the land: Eleazar the priest and Joshua, Non's son. You will also take one chief from each tribe to apportion the land. These are the names of the men: from the tribe of Judah, Caleb, Jeph-." I won't put you through any more of that. No one should have to put themselves through any more of that unless they're getting land in return for it.

Numbers 35: 

The Levites, the teacher's pet of tribes, get 48 cities, 6 of them being "refuge cities." Lord says that the refuge cities will be for people who kill someone and need to flee. A safe haven for murderers if you will.

Lord later clarifies that the refuge cities are to hold people who have killed and are awaiting trial by the community which makes more sense than allowing murderers to get off scot free. How could I have doubted Lord for one moment? All his decision thus far have been logical, merciful, and fair. The Levite refuge cities are also for keeping temporary residents and refugees. Do you think the U.S. would be more willing to take in Syrian refugees if they had to live with accused murderers?

Lord gets into detail about the difference between accidental killing and murder. It is...specific.

"...if someone strikes a person with an iron object and he dies, he is a murderer. The murderer must definitely be put to death. If someone strikes another with a stone in hand that could cause death and he dies, he is a murderer. The murderer must definitely be put to death. Or if someone strikes with a wood object in hand that could cause death, he is a murderer. The murderer must definitely be put to death" . . . "If in hatred someone hits another or throws something at him with premeditation, he will be put to death. Or if in hostility someone strikes another with his hand and he dies, the one who struck is a murderer and he will be put to death."

Allow me to provide you with murder loopholes: Kicking someone to death. Pushing them off something high. Drowning. Burning. Impaling. Setting someone up to be caught in a stampede. Eating them. Convincing another animal to eat them. Guns. Bees. Dropping a piano on them. Etc.

Lord's pretty lenient with accidental death: "But if suddenly and without hostility someone hits another or throws any object at him without premeditation,"

(You know all those time when you just like, peacefully throw death causing objects at your pal? You know? Without hostility? Like you do?)

"... or accidentally drops any stone on him that could cause death and he dies---even though they weren't enemies and no evil was intended--then the community must come to a verdict between the killer and close relative in accordance with these case laws."

The case laws are that the accidental killer is protected in a refuge city and has to live there until the high priest dies. If they venture out before the high priest dies, and the close relative of the dead person comes across them, the close relative is allowed to kill them.

Some others rules:

1. The close relative gets to put a murderer to death. I wonder if they get to choose the way the murderer dies? Do they get to be creative? Can they ask God to do some plague stuff?

2. One witness is not enough to put someone to death. A suspiciously reasonable rule for this book.

3. You cannot accept a ransom for the life of the murderer or accidental killer. Two reasonable rules in a row. Way to go Lord.

Lord concludes with the real reason he's anti murder: "You may not pollute the land in which you live, for the blood pollutes the land. There can be no recovery for the land from the blood that is shed in it, except by the blood of the one who shed it. You will not make the land in which you live unclean, the land, in the middle of which I reside"

It all comes back to Lord being a germaphobe.

Numbers 36: 

Girls don't get to marry outside or their father's tribe (i.e. their cousins) because otherwise their inheritance and land would be given to another tribe. This seems like less Lord's rule and more creepy and greedy Israelite man rules. And that's how the worst section of this book so far ends, with forced cousin marriage. Feels right.

NUMBERS IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!

Next time I'll be onto Deuteronomy which I'm going to hold out hope is at least slightly more bearable than the last 2 and a half sections. Until next time.

Numbers 28-32

Chapter 28:

If you remember from last time, God tells Moses that he's going to die soon as punishment for....something. Moses isn't dead just yet. God reviews some to-do-lists with Moses about offerings and when to eat unleavened bread because even when God fires you, you're still not done taking his shit.

Chapter 29:

The reviewing of rules continues.

Chapter 30:

Can you guess the overall theme of this chapter? If you guessed plot development, you would be wrong. Here are some rules:

When men make promises to the LORD. They have to keep them. Or else.

When women make promises to the LORD she must keep them. UNLESS her father or her husband disapproved of those promises in the first place and said so out loud. Because women can't make decisions. However, if they're divorcees or widows they get to decide shit on their own. i.e. women without men in their lives are the luckiest women in this book.

Chapter 31: 

Remember the Midianites? LORD does and he doesn't like them. They tempted the Israelites with their gods. LORD tells the Israelites to go to battle against them as punishment. The Israelites kill all the Midianite men and all their kings: Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and *gasp* Reba? You too?:

They also kill Balaam. You remember the guy who took a stand and listened to what LORD said and blessed the Israelites 3 times over in spite of what a king ordered him to do? Remember that. I guess the authors didn't or they didn't remember to explain why LORD would suddenly have him killed. Is my book just missing pages?

The Israelites take the women and children prisoner. Moses isn't into that. He says the Midianite women and little boys should be killed too. Remember when Moses used to plead with LORD to be more merciful? I guess he's so close to retirement that he doesn't give a shit anymore. He says the virgin girls can stay alive though. They haven't been sullied with non-circumsised penises. Classy guy.

Chapter 32: 

A couple of the Israelite tribes: the Reubens and Gads, notice that some of the new conquered land would be great for their livestock. They ask Moses if they can stay behind and forget the whole promised land thing. Moses is pissed and says that this is the kind of thing that gets all of them wandering the desert forever as opposed to...?

The Reubens and Gads say that they'll set up an area in the Amorite land and leave their women, children, and livestock there then help the Israelites fight to reach the "promised land" so long as they get to return to the Amorite land. Moses agrees and says if they don't stick to their promise, God's going to do some smiting.

Sooooo they're just going to leave their women and children and livestock behind? Alone? In a land they just conquered from enemies they've pissed off? Solid plan guys.

Do you think these women might become Amazon-Amorite warriors while the men are away and then reject and Xena chakra them to death if they try to return? Because I really hope so.