Judges 4-6

Chapter 4:

This is the best chapter in a long time. The Israelites fuck up again though the book doesn't specify how. Jabin King of Canaan rules over them cruelly for twenty years. The King's army commander, Sisera, has 900 chariots which is probably a lot though I have nothing to compare it to, it sounds like a lot. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy for help.

The Israelites get a lady leader! Deborah, a prophet, rules over the Israelites and sorts out their disputes. She even has a husband, Lappidoth, but it doesn't sound like he matters and his name is ridiculous. Deborah orders a man named Barak to take ten thousand men to Mount Tabor and she will lead the King's army commander, Sisera and his impressive number of chariots into their hands. No one's asking Deborah what her husband thinks should be done for the Israelites because Deborah's husband isn't a prophet. Barak decides to be a coward and says he will only go if Deborah comes along. Her response:

"Certainly I will go with you," said Deborah. "But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours, for the LORD will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman."

Barak's army goes up against the King's and kills every last man except for Sisera who fleas to an ally's tent. The ally is away but the man's wife, Jael, is there. Jael tells Sisera not to be afraid, to come on in, and gives him a blanket.

He asks for water and she gives him milk because she's bad at listening. Women right? Sisera can tell he's really going to have to break down directions for this one:

"'Stand in the doorway of the tent,' he told her. 'If someone comes by and asks you, 'Is anyone in there?' say 'No.'"

Jael is super bad at directions though because once Sisera falls asleep, instead of protecting him, she takes a tent peg and hammers it into his temple.

Tits out for murder ya'll. 

Barak passes by the tent and Jael, cold as ice, goes out to meet him. "I will show you the man you're looking for." and presumably Barak never questioned a female again because these ones are terrifying.

Chapter 5:

Barak and Deborah sing a song about the events we literally just read about.

Chapter 6:

The Israelites start worshipping other gods because they have the worst memories imaginable. They are punished with the Midianites invading. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy once again to bail them out and God starts lecturing though it's not clear to who. It's a lot of "I brought you out of Egypt blah blah blah I gave you everything blah blah blah you still can't figure out the not worshipping other gods part of the bargain."

I will say, I haven't always been the biggest fan of Lord in this book. His relationship with the Israelites seems unhealthy, like an abusive ex boyfriend. Still, he totally keeps saving their asses now with little punishment and all he's asking for is acknowledgment that he's real and the other gods aren't. Exodus/Leviticus/Numbers Lord would have tortured the Israelites for what they're doing but Lord just seems a little defeated now. Is he a little insecure and obsessed with recognition? Sure. But why are the Israelites worshipping other gods all the time? Are they just addicted to worshipping things?

Lord picks another judge, Gideon, and sends an angel to go talk to him. Gideon has some questions.

"Pardon me, my lord," Giden replied, "but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian."

Lord's response: "The LORD turned to him and said, 'Go in strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?'"

Literally doesn't answer the question.

Gideon has more questions and I am concerned for his safety.

"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

Lord's response: "'I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.'"

Still doesn't answer question.

Gideon Martha Raddatz doesn't stop questioning and asks God to perform some God-like stuff. The angel-phone sets fire to a rock which is enough evidence for Gideon. Lord is a big fan of fire. Gideon builds an altar for Lord called "The LORD is Peace" because he hasn't read the bible. Lord sends Gideon to destroy the altar of one of the new hip gods Baal. The townspeople are pretty pissed off and demand that Gideon be killed. Gideon's father Joash defends his son "If your god is real he can kill his own enemies without your help." Someone should probably let Lord know that.

Judges 1-3

Chapter 1:

Now that Joshua is gone, the Israelites worry over whether they'll still be able to participate in their favorite hobby, bloodshed, but they need not fear because the tribe of Judah is there to lead them into Canaanite territory to kill and conquer to their sadistic little hearts' content. They also go killing in some other places and cut off the thumbs and big toes of a king which would really be inconvenient if kings had to do anything physical at any point in their lives.

The Israelites continue to burn and pillage and murder a bunch of places which would maybe be exciting if the writers of this book took a single creative writing class in their worthless lives. Nothing connects. I have no idea where any of this is going. I don't know who I'm supposed to care about and I don't care about anyone. They start talking about some people and follow a plot line but then they just abandon it for...I don't even know what. No one is around long enough for me to build an emotional investment. I'm not sure the writers know what they want their book to be. Did they get their writing lessons from Ryan Fucking Murphy?

I don't know why I keep letting you disappoint me. 

"The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem also and took it. They put the city to the sword and set it on fire. After that, Judah went down to fight against the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev and the western foothills. They advanced against the Canaanites living in Hebron (formerly called Kiriath Arba) and defeated Sheshai, Ahiman and Talmai. From there they advanced against the people living in Debir (formerly called Kiriath Sepher). "

They managed to make murdering and burning down cities boring.

The exciting plot continues. Some guy named Caleb, who didn't matter before and won't matter again after a paragraph, offers his daughter in exchange for the destruction of Kiriath Sepher. Those are some high expectations for a son-in-law or maybe they're dangerously low. Caleb's nephew destroys the city so the daughter gets to marry her bloodthirsty cousin and I will never complain about online dating again. The daughter asks her father for water and land and stuff. It's almost as exciting as an episode of Downton Abbey. I'm just kidding. Anything is better than Downton Abbey. The Israelites take more land and stuff. God wanted them to kill all the previous inhabitants of the lands but instead the Israelites just subject them to a little light forced labor.

Chapter 2:

God's mad that the Israelites kept the Canaanites and all those other ites in town at all because the natives might give them ideas about other ways of thinking or something. He instructed that the non-Israelites be wiped out entirely. He sends an angel to lecture them and some Israelites cry about it and some keep worshipping foreign gods for funsies. God tries to give them a chance by sending out a judge to save the Israelites from their enemies then the Israelites continue to do horrible things like marry people less likely to be their cousins and consider other belief systems. Then some more punishment happens.

Chapter 3:

The Israelites keep disobeying God by getting along with people that they were supposed to genocide. The Israelites get taken over by Cushan Rishathaim the king of Aram Naharaim, the king of too many syllables from a place of too many syllables, for 8 years. The wishy washy children of God call out to Lord. Lord turns Othniel, some guy who won't matter in a few sentences anymore, into a "judge" to go to war for the Israelites. They win 40 years of peace until they fuck up again and another foreign king Eglon, a king with a far more reasonable amount of syllables, takes over for 18 yeras. The Israelites cry out again to their sky daddy for help. Lord sends them another judge, Ehud, a left handed guy which matters because of reasons. Ehud asks to see King Eglon, claiming he has a message from God and that message is a stabbing. Guys, I think the bible's getting fun and grotesque again!:

"As the king rose from his seat, Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly. Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it."

Some things to note:

1. "His bowels discharged."

2. The king is so fat that his fat hid an entire sword.

Ehud then closes up the king's room and leaves like a boss without anyone noticing. The servants don't go to the king because they assume he's taking a shit which is technically true and they "waited to the point of embarrassment." Meaning, the servants are so used to King Eglon's absurdly long poops, that a man was able to escape and get away with murder. This is why you need to eat fiber.  

I was confused as to why Ehud being left handed mattered so I read an analysis of the chapter. Apparently, because he's left handed, the king and his servants wouldn't expect him to have a weapon on his right side. So they only pat down the left side for weapons? Murdering people is super easy in this book. Ehud leads the Israelites to freedom once again until the next time they fuck it up.

Joshua 6-24

Chapter 6:

Israel destroys the town of Jericho by sending seven priests to circle the city seven times while playing trumpets. On the seventh day, the city wall collapses. This sounds like the beginning of a math problem. The prostitute with a heart of gold is spared which is a relief but I was really hoping there'd be more tension and conflict in that story line, but instead, the characters just remembered what they were supposed to do and were competent.

UNLIKE SOME ASSHOLES

Josh tells the Israelites to destroy to their hearts content, show no mercy, and save the gold and silver for God. Shockingly, someone doesn't listen.

Chapter 7:

Israel runs off to another battle to take down the city of Ai but they not successful. Josh is all "What's up with that G?" And God's all "Someone broke the rules and when that happens I punish everyone else disproportionately with death and carnage."

Josh tracks down the gold thief, a man named Achan who is very honest and stoic about his fate. As reward for his honesty, he and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY are burned alive. Also, the Israelites throw stones at them, because they are an impatient people.

Who else is thankful that they're not held accountable for their parents actions? We all would have been burned and stoned hundreds of times over by now.

Chapter 8: 

God encourages Josh to attack the city of Ai again, insisting that he totally won't let the Israelites get their asses handed to them again. The Israelites take down Ai, destroy everything, and hang the king. Happy endings all around.

Chapter 9: 

The Gibeonite people come to treaty with the Israelites, stating that they come from a far away land. As it turns out, they live in the same neighborhood. The deception pisses Josh off for some reason and he demands to know why they would lie to him.

"Ummm because we don't want to die?" -The Gibeonites

Chapter 10:

The Gibeonites are attacked and the Israelites stand by their treaty built upon lies. They do a lot of murdery stuff. The five kings of the cities flee to hide away in a cave. The Israelites find them and hang them. AND THEN...

"At sunset Joshua gave the order and they took them down from the poles and threw them into the cave where they had been hiding. At the mouth of the cave they placed large rocks, which are there to this day."

Chapter 11-12:

More conquering and murdery stuff.

Chapter 13: 

Josh gets old.

Chapter 14-21:

The Israelites divide the conquered land amongst their tribes. This goes on for eight exhilarating chapters.

Chapter 22: 

Josh sends their allies back south to their own lands. The allies build an altar on their own land. The Israelites freak out because they think it's some kind of rebellion.

"Are you INSANE?! He will murder all of us! Even the cattle!"

The allies inform the Israelites that they built the altar in honor of their connection to LORD and Israel.

"I guess that's cool." -The Israelites.

Chapter 23:

Josh informs everyone that he's dying. He asks the Israelites to please not fuck things up.

Chapter 24:

Josh brings everyone together to guilt them about all the things God did for them. I've read the book so far and don't need a summary of events every few pages so I'm just going to keep trucking along.

Josh dies without dragging it out forever unlike some people.

And guess what? With the efficiency of only two blog entries, the book of Joshua is finished!!!!!

Joshua 1-5

Chapter 1:

"No one will be able to stand up against you during your lifetime. I will be with you in the same way I was with Moses."

That's not comforting.

"I won't desert you or leave you."

Unless you disobey me then I will leave you in an unmarked grave.

"Don't be alarmed or terrified because the Lord is with you wherever you go."

Don't trust him Josh!

Josh then starts sending out orders to the Israelites who seem very cooperative.

"We will obey you in the same way we obeyed Moses."

Also not comforting. Josh is so doomed.

Side note: You know, I've been thinking about this glaring plot hole in the book. If this God character made Adam and then McRib and then those two somehow populated the world with presumably an insane amount of incest...aren't all the people on the planet the LORD's people? Why pit them against each other in wars? Why only choose one group of people as "chosen." I know the LORD character said he was jealous and angry with all the other people for worshipping "false gods" but wouldn't the Israelites have done the same thing if he hadn't spoken directly to some of them? Why not just speak to all people, show them a miracle or two and then everyone could worship him? Why does he have to build his rep like some kind of gangster? I just don't really get this character's motivation. If he's all powerful, all knowing, and all present, it seems weird that he'd be as petty and insecure as a human being. Anyway, moving on.

Chapter 2:

You guys! I don't want to get my hopes up but...I think this book is starting to have a plot again. There's even characters and dialogue!

Josh sends two spies to scout out their future land, Jericho, which seems weird because God said he'd protect them, so hypothetically they could all just continue on recklessly and fearlessly conquering more land. I guess Josh is just a bad listener. Josh sends out two spies who then stay with a prostitute named Rahab, because LORD didn't get around to forbidding the devil's three way yet. The king of Jericho is tipped off that Israelite spies are in his land so he sends word to Rahab the prostitute that she must send the men to the king. Instead, Rahab, the prostitute with a heart of gold, hides the Israelite men on the roof and cuts a deal with them. She's heard about this Gangster God of the Israelites and all the people they've destroyed. She asks the spies that they spare her family. They agree so long as when they come to rape and pillage, her family stays inside and she ties a red cord in window.

I'm sure nothing will go wrong with that plan.

Chapter 3:

God repeats his water trick for the Israelites when they cross the river Jordan. Joshua gets to relieve Moses's glory days at the Red Sea.

Chapter 4: 

One person from each of the twelve tribes puts a stone in the river once it returns back to normal to memorialize their crossing forever because they don't understand what water does to stone over time. Then, I have deja vu because this chapter repeats the exact same events we just read about. The river was parted, they crossed it, it turned back to normal, they put rocks in it. In case you forgot.

Chapter 5: 

God wants Joshua to circumcise the Israelites a second time which I hope means that they're circumcising those who were born after the circumcision party and not that the Israelites literally all have to do it a second time.  And do you know where they're holding this second circumcision party?

"He circumcised the Israelites at Foreskins Hill."

THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE. I AM NOT PARAPHRASING. Foreskins Hill sounds like a death metal band.

After Josh is finished getting up close and personal with every Israelite skin flute, the Israelite people celebrate passover.

After celebrating the Israelites begin to march on Jericho and Josh meets a stranger with a sword. A literal one. Thankfully Joshua gets a penis break. Josh asks the sword holding stranger if he is on the Israelite side or the enemy's side.

"Neither! I'm the commander of the LORD's heavenly force. Now I have arrived!"

I mean technically that mean's he's on the Israelite's side and this heavenly soldier is needlessly pedantic. Joshua fell on his face to worship the heavenly soldier.

Josh asks: "What is my master saying to his servant?" Hoping for some meaningful words.

"Take your sandals off your feet because the place where you are standing is holy."

What. A. Prick.

I thought about ending this with a drawing of Foreskins Hill but none of us should be subjected to that. Here's a raccoon on a bike instead:

Deuteronomy 31-34

I owe an apology to my two readers for missing last week. I did read the last 4 chapters of Deuteronomy but didn't have the strength to try and make them amusing or interesting. I think the only solution is to offer up some of my poor drawing skills and hope that somehow spices things up.  

Chapter 31:

Moses informs the Children of God that he is 120 years old and must move on as their leader. I thought today's retirement age was unreasonably high. So the Israelites are celebrating Moses's retirement party when God rudely reminds Moses for the umpteenth time that's it's almost Die O'Clock. 

I mean, that's usually what we're all thinking at a retirement party God, but take it down a notch. 

Then Moses and Lord have a chat. 

Lord: "You're going to die soon."

Moses: "Yes, I remember." 

Lord: "And I'm still not going to let you see the Promised Land." 

Moses: "Got it."

Lord: "You know once you die, those fuck ups down there are going to fuck up again." 

Moses: "Shocker." 

Lord: "I'm going to punish them a lot." 

Moses: "No way."

Lord: "I need you to sing them a song to remind them of how much they disappoint me." 

Moses: *Sigh* "Yeah, got it." 

Chapter 32: The Guilt Trip Song

"Hey listen up. God is super awesome.
He's always just and reasonable
and definitely doesn't overreact 
and punish randomly.
He's really swell.

You guys really suck and that's not his fault. 
Remember that time you worshipped a golden cow?
Remember how I specifically told you not to? 
You're all the worst. 
Worse than Lot's creepy daughters.

God thought about doing some really horrible stuff to you
or letting other nations do really horrible stuff to you
but he decided that would make him look weak
for once God's insecurities are going to work in your favor."

Maybe that wasn't the song word for word but the general idea is in there. 

God and Moses have one last heart to heart. 

Lord: "You're still not going to see the Promised Land. Everything you've worked for for decades will be wasted. Just so we're clear on that. You're going to die. Die never succeeding in the task you struggled so hard for. You'll never see the Promised Land. You're just going to die in a Broken Promises Land which is most lands." 

Moses: *Sigh*

Lord: "In case you forgot." 

Chapter 33: 

Moses blesses some tribes and hopes that they do great things like conquer and pillage other lands and have lots of babies with nameless women.  

Chapter 34:

God reminds Moses one last time:

"'. . . the Lord said to him, 'This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.'"

OMG we get it! Moses probably can't wait to die so he doesn't have to listen to God's lecturing anymore. 

The chapter then ends ominously: 

"Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face,  who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land.  For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel."

I told you Josh was going to be a fuck up. 

And now we're finished with Deuteronomy!!!!

RIP Moses

Deuteronomy 25-30

Chapter 25:

Plot is still a far off dream for this book but at least we get to read about more rules passed down from God through his meat puppet Moses to God’s hostages people.

My favorite rule so far involves duties I was unaware a brother-in-law had. If there are two brothers and one of them gets married but dies before his wife produces a son, the brother-in-law must step in. He must marry and impregnate that widow, then morbidly, the son must be named after the dead brother to carry on his name. If the brother-in-law refuses to fulfill his duty, the widow gets to spit in his uncooperative face, steal one of his sandals and the brother-in-law’s family line will from then on be called “The Family of the Unsandaled.” You guys, I know you think this is one of my silly exaggerations, but it’s totally in there.

“However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, 'My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.' Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, 'This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.' That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.”

And that brother in law must hobble on one sandal FOREVER like an a-symmetrical fool.

My next favorite rule:

“ If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”

Show her no pity. 

Ladies, find a way to subdue a man without using his gendered physical weaknesses against him. It’s not like men would ever take advantage of your womanly weaknesses right? Right?

Chapter 26:

When the Israelites make it to the Promised Land, they have to make some offerings. 1/10th of their produce must be given to Levites, widows, orphans, and foreigners. It’s almost like taxes going to the needy or something. It’s almost like this fictional character of God, while random, moody, and terrifying, really values people in need and refugees and immigrants and really insists that his own people treat them kindly, or else. I guess we could learn something from this book as a society. But it’s just a work of fiction after all amiright? Anyhoo.  

Chapter 27:

The Lord will bless you if you’re obedient and curse you terribly if you aren’t. They write down 12 of the rules on rocks and chant them.

Chapter 28:

Moses reiterates that obedience to all of God’s super simple and not at all contradictory rules will get everyone blessings. However, disobedience will result in the Israelites living through a Game of Thrones winter. While the curses are terrifying I do have to admire God’s speech writing skills. The threats are eerily beautiful to read.

“The Lord will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him.”

“Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away. The Lord will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. The Lord will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. At midday you will grope about like a blind person in the dark. You will be unsuccessful in everything you do; day after day you will be oppressed and robbed, with no one to rescue you.”

“You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and rape her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them. Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand.”

NO ONE WILL RESCUE THE SHEEP?!

The Lord will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth, like an eagle swooping down, a nation whose language you will not understand, a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young.” . . . “They will lay siege to all the cities throughout your land until the high fortified walls in which you trust fall down. They will besiege all the cities throughout the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

“Because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you. Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For in her dire need she intends to eat them secretly because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of your cities.”

YOU’RE GOING TO EAT YOUR BABIES AND YOU WON’T EVEN SHARE.

Chapter 29:

Moses reviews their history AGAIN clearly stalling for time before he dies. He reminds them of all the suffering God put the Egyptians through and what God could put them through. Kind of seems like God was just making an example out of the Egyptians to continually threaten the people he’s “saving.”

Chapter 30:

If the Israelites are disobedient, God will scatter them across nations but there is a loophole. If you and your children really really love God and show your obedience, God will bring you back to the promise land, make you more prosperous than your ancestors and . . . some other stuff.

“The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live.”

Sounds like God’s about to drop his new single.

Moses goes on about the two choices the Israelites have which are pretty simple: life and prosperity or death and destruction. He even throws in a “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” Yeah, definitely not a hostage situation.