Thursday, October 9, 2014

Genesis Chapter 31-33

Hello kind people who read my blog. As promised I am blogging 2X this week because you deserve it. I mean this positively. I am not punishing you. If you want to follow the blog you can press the "join this site" button near the top left, bellow the summary or you can like it on facebook.


Chapter 31:

We start off with Laban being a little miffed that all the new farm animals being born aren't perfectly white, which means they belong to Jacob. In fact, just about all of them will belong to Jacob. Though it turns out Jacob's speckled stick psychology trick didn't have anything to do with it, it was that sweet God blessing insurance.

God: "You are blessed so I took care of it."

Jacob: "So my speckled sticks didn't work?"

God: "I'm concerned with your grasp of science Jacob."

Jacob knows he's going to have some in-law issues now and gathers his ladies to share his side of the story. "I'm just going to say it. Your father's being kind of a dick." The women agree. They're not pleased with the loss of money and are down to run away with Jacob. Jacob only takes the cattle, sheep, and goats that are his when they run off but the little sister Rachel has other ideas. She steals her fathers "gods" i.e. fancy schmancy idols made of expensive things.

Laban is displeased and sets out to chase the family down. Even though he has a dream where God threatens him not to say anything good or bad to Jacob, "better keep that conversation neutral" he still accuses Jacob's family of theft. Jacob is deeply offended; he only steals identities, not objects. Laban and his men search everyone's tent for the stolen idols but save Rachel's tent for last. She's super sneaky. She hides the images in "camel furniture" and sits on top of it. When Laban and his men enter the tent, they search everywhere but the camel furniture because she won't move:

"Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women IS upon me."

i.e. Oh sorry I can't move. Guess your patriarchy's keeping me down.

When the search is finished, Jacob has a hissy fit. He goes on for awhile about how he served Laban for 20 years, never stole anything, served his daughters, his cattle, etc. even though Laban tricked him and changed his wages 10 times, points out that Laban probably would have screwed him over more if it weren't for the God blessing.

Laban's response "These are MY daughters and their children are MY children, and these cattle are MY cattle. So you know what THAT means? Means you're my family and it'd be a shame to lose you guys. Want to make a covenant?"

Jacob grabs one of his comfy rock friends invites everyone to set up a rock friend of their own. This separates Laban's land from Jacob's land. They solve their problems like bad roommates.

Chapter 32:

Jacob goes back to his family's land. He sends a message out to Esau to let him know he's back. Esau sends a message back that he will meet Jacob with 400 men. This concerns Jacob since Esau has a lot to be angry for and might murder Jacob and all his people. Jacob splits his people into two so that way only one half dies. You're cool with that right Jacob's slaves? Oh right it doesn't matter if you're cool with that.

Jacob sends a gift to Esau of just a whole bunch of animals as a peace offering. I also get people food when I think they might be mad at me. Jacob then sends his family away for safety. Then...something I don't really understand happens. Jacob meets a stranger and wrestles with him...all night? Then there's some...thigh action?

"And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh." that happens.

Maybe I just have a dirty mind. Maybe it doesn't go down like I'm picturing it at all. Let's google image that:

Totally platonic. 

 When the sun rises the stranger comes to his senses and is all "stop touching me." And Jacob's all "no silly not 'til you bless me." Jacob is very aggressive when it comes to negotiating with higher powers. The stranger asks Jacob what his name is. When Jacob tells his name, the stranger's all "No, no you're Israel now." This is the type of person who immediately forces nicknames on people. He gives him this name because it means prince. "You're such a prince let's wrestle some more." Jacob asks his name but we don't find out because reasons. Jacob name's the wrestling place "Peniel" which uh sounds a lot like...uh. I'm just going to say it. Penis. It sounds like penis. Jacob wants to commemorate his thigh touching wrestling experience by naming a place a name that sounds like penis. There. Said it. As Jacob moves along, the sun rises and stops at his thigh, specifically the hollow of Jacob's thigh. SYMBOLISM. Probably.

Chapter 33: 

As the sun rises, Jacob sees Esau and his 400 men approaching. He bows to his brother 7 times. Esau runs and gives his brother a big old bear hug. They kiss and weep. Esau's excited to meet Jacob's family like the big goofy uncle you'd picture Thor to be. Then Esau's all "what's with all the animals you sent me?" Jacob: "Because I was a royal prick." Esau: "Don't even worry about it. Take your walking food back." Jacob: "No you keep it." Esau: "No. No. I insist." This goes on.


  1. So that thing with Rachel hiding the idols. You'll see in other translations that this "custom of women" is also known as "her time of month". (See below) So basically she's like "you don't want me to get up. It's gross down there." Which is a pretty ingenious idea if you think about it.

    Genesis 31:34-35 NLT

    But Rachel had taken the household idols and hidden them in her camel saddle, and now she was sitting on them. When Laban had thoroughly searched her tent without finding them, she said to her father, “Please, sir, forgive me if I don’t get up for you. I’m having my monthly period.” So Laban continued his search, but he could not find the household idols.

  2. Awww I see. Should have looked into it more. That's brilliant.