Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Genesis Chapter 46-49

Chapter 46: 

Jacob takes his whole family to Egypt with God's blessing. There's a big list of everyone's names. Jacob reunites with Joseph and says that he can die now. I thought he might literally die on the spot because that seems like something that would happen in this book. Joseph tells his family that they must be cattle people now because Egyptians aren't into sheep people. Sheep people are no longer stylish.

Sheep are so last season.
Chapter 47:

Back to that famine thing. Apparently, the famine is so bad that people are feinting from hunger now. The cost of corn is going up and people can't afford to pay anymore. Joseph cuts them a deal that they can trade their livestock in for food. They can trade they're walking, living, breathing food, for corn. They are trading in what could be prime rib and frozen yogurt for...corn. People then run out of livestock to trade so they offer themselves and their land. They offer to sell themselves as servants to the Pharaoh. Joseph's such a nice guy that he takes them up on their offer to sell themselves into slavery. They buy up everyone's land in Egypt and give them seeds to grow food. He tells them that they get to keep 4/5ths of the crops but 1/5th goes to the Pharaoh. So...they just had those seeds laying around the whole time did they? Couldn't...plant them before in these last 7 years to stop the famine? This famine thing is a half-assed plot device.

Jacob/Israel knows he's dying. He calls his son over for his favorite thing, thigh caressing

"I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me"

 He tells Joseph that he doesn't want to be buried in Egypt. His body must be taken to where his own fathers are buried.

Chapter 48: 

Jacob blesses Joseph's two sons. His vision isn't great and he puts his favorable blessing hand on the younger son Ephraim. Joseph is a little annoyed, thinking his father is having a senile moment and tries to switch his father's hands. 

"Not so, my father: for this is the firstborn; put thy right hand upon his head." 

Jacob informs his son that this is not a senile thing. The younger son, Ephraim, is going to be better and have awesome seed. I think this is probably because Jacob still has some issues about being the less favored younger brother who had to steal his blessing. He's passing his daddy issues down onto his son. 

Then Jacob says: "Behold, I die." I hope I get to say that when I die. 

Chapter 49: 

Ok I guess Jacob STILL isn't actually dead. He calls all his sons together to insult them a bunch. Reuben is unstable and "shalt not excel" because he slept with his father's prostitute. Thought he'd just forget about that eh Reuben? Simeon and Levi are "instruments of cruelty" because they slaughtered a bunch of people for their raped sister. 


Jacob then proceeds to bless his other less shitty sons. He compares Judah to a lion and says that his future offspring will be royalty and have money and wine and stuff. Even though Judah did some messed up stuff such as suggest that his younger brother Joseph be sold into slavery and screwing around with his daughter in law, he redeemed himself by risking himself a couple of chapters ago. I am not going to review how he did this because I can't make it sound funny, just go back and read the blog. Zebulun gets the sea or ships or something. Isaachar gets called a "strong ass" but in a nice way. He's going to have burdens. Probably slavery burdens. Dan will be a serpent and does anyone else think Jacob's blessings are starting to sound like zodiac horoscopes? I don't think this whole blessing will thing would be legally binding today. 

Anyway, Dan's a snake that's going to bite horse heels which probably isn't a good thing. Gad will have a troop overcome him but...he's going to be ok in the end. Asher will have royally fat bread. Naphtali is a deer let loose. Joseph is a fruitful bough? By a well? I wish I could make this make more sense. Just...so many damn metaphors in this. I need pictures. Diagrams. Something. 

Jacob continues with the fruitful bough metaphor. Joseph is a fruitful bough. His brothers are archers with shitty aim. Joseph is special and will be blessed with breasts and wombs. 

Benjamin, the cute youngest brother that Joseph was so fond of will be a ravenous wolf. He will devour pray and just be generally awesome and horrifying. It's always the cute ones. 

Jacob reminds them that they better make sure he gets buried in the right place. 

The End. 

Fuck metaphors.  

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