Sunday, January 3, 2016

Numbers 28-32

Chapter 28:

If you remember from last time, God tells Moses that he's going to die soon as punishment for....something. Moses isn't dead just yet. God reviews some to-do-lists with Moses about offerings and when to eat unleavened bread because even when God fires you, you're still not done taking his shit.

Chapter 29:

The reviewing of rules continues.

Chapter 30:

Can you guess the overall theme of this chapter? If you guessed plot development, you would be wrong. Here are some rules:

When men make promises to the LORD. They have to keep them. Or else.

When women make promises to the LORD she must keep them. UNLESS her father or her husband disapproved of those promises in the first place and said so out loud. Because women can't make decisions. However, if they're divorcees or widows they get to decide shit on their own. i.e. women without men in their lives are the luckiest women in this book.

Chapter 31: 

Remember the Midianites? LORD does and he doesn't like them. They tempted the Israelites with their gods. LORD tells the Israelites to go to battle against them as punishment. The Israelites kill all the Midianite men and all their kings: Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and *gasp* Reba? You too?:

They also kill Balaam. You remember the guy who took a stand and listened to what LORD said and blessed the Israelites 3 times over in spite of what a king ordered him to do? Remember that. I guess the authors didn't or they didn't remember to explain why LORD would suddenly have him killed. Is my book just missing pages?

The Israelites take the women and children prisoner. Moses isn't into that. He says the Midianite women and little boys should be killed too. Remember when Moses used to plead with LORD to be more merciful? I guess he's so close to retirement that he doesn't give a shit anymore. He says the virgin girls can stay alive though. They haven't been sullied with non-circumsised penises. Classy guy.

Chapter 32: 

A couple of the Israelite tribes: the Reubens and Gads, notice that some of the new conquered land would be great for their livestock. They ask Moses if they can stay behind and forget the whole promised land thing. Moses is pissed and says that this is the kind of thing that gets all of them wandering the desert forever as opposed to...?

The Reubens and Gads say that they'll set up an area in the Amorite land and leave their women, children, and livestock there then help the Israelites fight to reach the "promised land" so long as they get to return to the Amorite land. Moses agrees and says if they don't stick to their promise, God's going to do some smiting.

Sooooo they're just going to leave their women and children and livestock behind? Alone? In a land they just conquered from enemies they've pissed off? Solid plan guys.

Do you think these women might become Amazon-Amorite warriors while the men are away and then reject and Xena chakra them to death if they try to return? Because I really hope so.

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