Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Samuel 6-7

Happy New Year!

Let's see how much worse things can get!

I mean in this book.

But also this planet right?

I wonder if I'll finish this book before the world ends.


Previously on The Holy Bible...

A woman wanted a baby. She asked God for a baby. God gave her that baby. That baby was Samuel. 

She gave that baby up to some priests because that was the deal. A stupid deal. 

The priest family wasn't perfect. The sons sucked and the father was complicit in their sucking. 

God told Samuel that he's going to kill the priest family because of all the sucking. Samuel became a celebrity because he was a vessel for murder messages. 

There's a war! With the Philistines! The Israelites lost a battle. They also lost the Ark of the Covenant. (Yeah, like the Ark from Raiders of the Lost Ark.) The priest family died just as Samuel predicted. Hurray?

The Philistines were excited about their new God chest until people started getting tumors. The Philistines became less excited about their God chest. 

What will the Philistines do now? Let's find out!:

Chapter 6:

The Philistines don't know what to do with their cancer chest. Keep it and continue to let their people die? Get rid of it and not allow their people to keep dying? It's a real headscratcher. They ask their best priests and diviners what to do. The priests and diviners suggest getting rid of the murder box. 

The priests and diviners suggest returning the murder box to the Israelites along with an apology gift. Personally, I might send food or money in order to buy food but these guys are more of the handcrafted gift type. (i.e. the worst people). They suggest:

"Five gold tumors and fives gold rats" . . . "because the same plague has struck both you and your rulers. Make models of the tumors and of the rats that are destroying the country, and give glory to Israel's god. "

                                               Question Corner with MJ:

1. Do you really need to make a mold of a tumor? 
2. Can't you just like...sculpt an amoeba shape? 
3. Will they even be able to tell that they're tumors?
4. Won't they think you just gave them sloppy amoeba shaped gold?
5. Gold rats...
6. Doesn't this all seem kind of passive aggressive?
7. Maybe it's just the bubonic plague?

They send the murder box and the golden rat tumors back to the Israelites on a cart pulled by two cows. The cows go to the Israelite town of Beth Shemesh. All the Beth Shemeshians rejoice except for the 70 that God smites for peaking in the murder box. It wouldn't be a reunion with Lord God without some casual smiting. 

Chapter 7:

The Israelites have started experimenting with some polytheism again.

They start worshiping Baal and Astarte. A storm god and a sex goddess, who sound so cool I want to worship them too. I sympathize with the Israelites, they want to branch out, see other gods but unfortunately, God doesn't take open relationships well. Seeing other gods tends to lead to plagues for the Israelites. Samuel, the celebrity judge, gets to judging. He reminds them that the Lord won't help them fight the Philistines unless he's in a monogamous relationship. The Israelites listen to judgy Samuel and do as they're told. No conflict happens whatsoever. It's almost like none of this was necessary to add to the book and even less necessary for me to repeat here. 

The Israelites get to battling the Philistines again. Samuel sacrifices a lamb to God because God likes his sacrifices innocent and fluffy. The going rate for this baby animal is thunder. God makes thunder noises which definitely has absolutely nothing to do with his insecurity that the Israelites wanted to worship a storm god.

The thunder freaks out the Philistines but not the Israelites. My theory is Israelites always carry battle earmuffs for such occasions. It's never mentioned so my theory is not proven, or disproven. 

The scary God thunder gives the Israelites the advantage they need. They get to slaughtering and win their lands back. The land they keep losing. And have to keep winning back. Again. And again. And again. 

Samuel lives out the rest of his days walking around the countryside.  

"From year to year he went on a circuit from Bethel to Gilgal to Mizpah, judging Israel in all those places."

Samuel, the Maggie Smith of the bible. 

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