Numbers 28-32

Chapter 28:

If you remember from last time, God tells Moses that he's going to die soon as punishment for....something. Moses isn't dead just yet. God reviews some to-do-lists with Moses about offerings and when to eat unleavened bread because even when God fires you, you're still not done taking his shit.

Chapter 29:

The reviewing of rules continues.

Chapter 30:

Can you guess the overall theme of this chapter? If you guessed plot development, you would be wrong. Here are some rules:

When men make promises to the LORD. They have to keep them. Or else.

When women make promises to the LORD she must keep them. UNLESS her father or her husband disapproved of those promises in the first place and said so out loud. Because women can't make decisions. However, if they're divorcees or widows they get to decide shit on their own. i.e. women without men in their lives are the luckiest women in this book.

Chapter 31: 

Remember the Midianites? LORD does and he doesn't like them. They tempted the Israelites with their gods. LORD tells the Israelites to go to battle against them as punishment. The Israelites kill all the Midianite men and all their kings: Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and *gasp* Reba? You too?:

They also kill Balaam. You remember the guy who took a stand and listened to what LORD said and blessed the Israelites 3 times over in spite of what a king ordered him to do? Remember that. I guess the authors didn't or they didn't remember to explain why LORD would suddenly have him killed. Is my book just missing pages?

The Israelites take the women and children prisoner. Moses isn't into that. He says the Midianite women and little boys should be killed too. Remember when Moses used to plead with LORD to be more merciful? I guess he's so close to retirement that he doesn't give a shit anymore. He says the virgin girls can stay alive though. They haven't been sullied with non-circumsised penises. Classy guy.

Chapter 32: 

A couple of the Israelite tribes: the Reubens and Gads, notice that some of the new conquered land would be great for their livestock. They ask Moses if they can stay behind and forget the whole promised land thing. Moses is pissed and says that this is the kind of thing that gets all of them wandering the desert forever as opposed to...?

The Reubens and Gads say that they'll set up an area in the Amorite land and leave their women, children, and livestock there then help the Israelites fight to reach the "promised land" so long as they get to return to the Amorite land. Moses agrees and says if they don't stick to their promise, God's going to do some smiting.

Sooooo they're just going to leave their women and children and livestock behind? Alone? In a land they just conquered from enemies they've pissed off? Solid plan guys.

Do you think these women might become Amazon-Amorite warriors while the men are away and then reject and Xena chakra them to death if they try to return? Because I really hope so.

Numbers 25-27

Happy holidays everyone! My Christmas gift to you shall be illicit sex followed by a swift and violent punishment. 

Chapter 25: 

We kick off this chapter with Israelite men having "illicit" sex with the foreign Moabite ladies. They didn't dance around describing it either. No "The Israelite men got to know the Moabite women" euphemisms.  It spells it out pretty clearly. Israelite men "made themselves impure by having illicit sex with Moabite women." I guess having sex with women who don't have at least a 1 in 3 chance of being your cousin makes you impure in this book.

Maybe God could have forgiven this non-cousin banging offense with some plaguing, but the Israelite men cross the line by worshipping the god (no capital letter for this one) of the Moabite women: Baal of Peor. Lord God insists that Moses kill all the leaders of all the people in broad daylight. Moses doesn't exactly follow this order and instead goes for a slightly more logical approach: just punishing the people who actually offended Lord God. He asks the Israelite officials to kill any of their men actually worshipping the foreign god with the fancier name.

Is your bloodlust still unquenched? Well, don't worry, we're reading the Holy Bible. An Israelite man brings a Midianite woman to hang out by the meeting tent. A guy name Phineas sees this and isn't a fan. Instead of venting his feelings through gossip or blogging, he decides to stab the Midianite woman and Israelite man through the stomach with a spear. Then a plague stops? A plague that I didn't know was happening until that sentence? Who edited this? I get that it's long, but you can't just throw a "Oh right btw there was a plague, and making a bloody mixed couple kabob put an end to it."

 Lord God's all "I like this kid, he's a real go getter." Remember how murdering thy neighbor is supposed to be a sin or whatever? Well, God doesn't.

"Because he was jealous for me among you, I didn't consume the Israelites due to my jealousy. Therefore, say: I'm now giving  him my covenant of well-being. It will be for him and his descendants a covenant of permanent priesthood, because he was jealous for his God and sought reconciliation for the Israelites."

Yeah, makes sense.

Lord God then tells Moses to go ahead and destroy the rest of the Midianites. Oh Midianites. We hardly knew ye.

Chapter 26: 

A second census is taken. Names are listed. Descendants names are listed. Land is divided among clans. I will not make you suffer as I have suffered. I offer a picture of this hideous cat instead.

Chapter 27: 

God does something weirdly progressive. He's a complicated all powerful being. A man named Zelophehad dies and doesn't have a son, only daughters. The daughters say that it is unfair that his name shouldn't be passed on just because he didn't have a son and that they should get some land. God does not smite them, burn them, or poison them, but says that they have a POINT and should get some of the land from their uncles. He then says that whenever a man dies without a son, the property should go to the daughter(s).

That shit is more progressive than a Jane Austen novel and I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe he feels bad about giving women periods? And childbirth?

Next, God tells Moses to isolate himself and prepare for death because apparently he fucked up somehow: "you rebelled against my command to show them my holiness by means of the water." Dear authors, do you think that maybe...just maybe, when important plot points happen, you could actually write that plot point out instead of having a character vaguely mention it in passing?

Moses is cool with dying and asks God to appoint a new leader. God picks some guy named Joshua. That poor son of a bitch.

Numbers 23- 24

Chapter 23:

If you recall from last time, King Balak is really afraid of those Israelite foreigners. He's worried about what those refugees will do to his people and his land and ends up making some rash decisions.  Decisions that seem to ignore history and logic and education. If only this story were relevant to today.

He asks Balaam, a man who's name is annoyingly similar to Balak, and yes that was confusing for me, to curse them. Balaam checks in with God and learns that the Israelites are God's chosen people. He tries to tell King Balak that he cannot help him out but Balak isn't good at understanding things.

In this chapter, Balaam goes to Balak and asks that the king build 7 altars to sacrifice 7 bulls and 7 rams. Balaam tells Balak to chill out, he's just got to go talk to God for a sec. God gives Balaam a boring poem to read to King Balak, which blesses the Israelite people and makes them uncursable. King Balak is not pleased with this betrayal, but suggests:

"Come with me, please, to another place where you'll see them. You'll see only part of them. You won't see all of them. Then curse them for me from there." 

Balak provides another 7 altars, 7 rams, and 7 bulls to sacrifice. Balaam tells him to wait a minute while he talks to God again then comes back and says another creepy poem to bless the Israelite people. King Balak is super bummed out about getting betrayed a second time. What does he suggest next you ask?

"Please come and I'll take you to another place. Perhaps God will prefer it, so that you could curse him for me from there." 

Can you guess what happens next?

King Balak's all "Why would you do this to me? I am so very surprised that after telling me several times that you could not curse the Israelite people, and after blessing them these two times, that you would betray me a third time. I really thought you'd change your mind the third time."

And Balaam's all "I literally couldn't have made my intentions any clearer."

Chapter 24: 

God comes down to tell say some creepy stuff about how he's going to break people's bones and devour nations and describes himself as a lion and also a lioness because God doesn't believe in having only one gender identity which is cool and progressive if it weren't for the bone breaking and nation devouring. He/She says that Balaam will be blessed and King Balak will be cursed.

Balak gets super pissed and is all "I can't believe you betrayed me like this."

Balaam's all "I can't believe you still can't believe I didn't do the thing I kept telling you I couldn't do literally over and over again."

Balaam thing goes on to predict the demise of Balaam's people as the Israelites get closer.

I have to say, I know Balak's super dumb, but I really thought he would have punished Balaam for screwing him over. All he did was send him home He's pretty merciful, unlike SOME lionesses I know.

Numbers 21-22

Hi 2 or 3 fans. I've been away doing life things. That will happen sometimes. Sorry about that. Moving onto chapter 21. We start off with some excitement or it could be exciting if the writers wrote better. They manage to turn war, death, and carnage into a blurb about as interesting as a Calculus textbook.

Example:

"When the Canaanite king of Arad, who ruled in the arid southern plain, heard that the Israelites were coming on the Atharim road, he fought against Israel and took some of them captive. Then Israel made a solemn promise to the LORD and said, 'If you give this people into our hands, we will completely destroy their city."'The LORD heard the voice of Israel and handed the Canaanites over. They completely destroyed them and their cities, so the name of the place is called Hormah."

Fucking yawn right?

Where's the varied sentence structure? Where's the character development? The build up? The tension?  This whole book is just: "and ridiculous name did a thing in a ridiculously named place and then some other people were involved and then some death happened and that is why this place is now named Hormah." It sounds like they're just doing a lazy summary and I'm the one who's supposed to be doing a lazy summary here.

And another thing, James and Jesus, stop throwing out all this arbitrary geography and character names at me. At least Lord of the Rings has the decency to draw me a little map for it's fake world and Game of Thrones writes up little character family trees. You can't just keep throwing these characters out with little to no development when they mean so little to the plot. This isn't American Horror Story. You can't get away with what they get away with.

The audience still waiting for a plot to develop

The Israelites whine some more about how they'd rather be slaves so naturally LORD shows them compassion and understanding until they truly love him. JK. LORD sends poisonous snakes after them until a bunch died and others begged for mercy. LORD's mercy does not involve him getting rid of the snakes, but tells Moses to do some witchcraft:

"'Make a poisonous snake and place it on a pole. Whoever is bitten can look at it and live.' Moses made a bronze snake and put it on a pole."

A few things.

1. How does one make a bronze snake poisonous?

2. I like that LORD doesn't take away the snakes all together. He's just all "No, no, you whiners are definitely still getting bitten repeatedly but I'll keep you from dying if you do some weird dark arts and crafts."

Moving on.

There's a repeat of what happened in chapter 20. The Israelites want to pass through Shihon and message the Amorite king. They're all "We'll be cool." and he's all "Fuck no." And then some fighting with swords happens and the Israelites take over some land and slaughtered some guy named "Og" and his family.

Chapter 22: 

While the Israelites are camping out in Moab, the Moab King, Balak, is freaked out. He's worried his land will be destroyed and apparently he didn't hear about the part where the Israelites only killed the other kings and destroyed the other lands because those kings were being dicks, so King Balak decides to be a dick. He sends men to seek out Balaam, a man who has the power to curse and bless people. Balaam is interested because he's a fan of money but says that he must first consult with Mr. God. Mr. God tells Balaam that he may not curse them ("only I'm allowed to do that") and informs Balaam that the Israelites are a blessed people.

Balaam informs King Balak's men that he cannot go with them because Mr. God said no. Balak sent more men after Balaam and offered up any sort of favor Balaam could think of and Balaam's all "None of the gold or silver could convince me. Have you heard what that Lord guy does to the people he's 'protecting?'"

That night, Lord God tells Balaam to go with King Balak's men if they summon him but to only do what Lord God specifically tells him to do. The next morning, Balaam saddles up his donkey and heads to King Balak. Lord is pissed off for reasons I don't understand and sends an angel with a sword to block Balaam's way. Balaam does not notice but his donkey does and continues to try and turn away and avoid the angel. Balaam still does not see the angel and keeps hitting his donkey because he's an unobservant animal abuser. Eventually the donkey lays down and God speaks through the donkey's mouth:

"What have I done to you that you've beaten me these three times?"

Balaam doesn't even fucking stop to think the donkey talking is weird and proceeds to argue with his donkey:

"Because you've tormented me. If I had a sword in my hand, I'd kill you now."

The donkey continues to plead with Balaam until Balaam notices the angel with the sword blocking his way and even the angel is not cool with the animal abuse:

"Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I've come out here as an adversary , because you took the road recklessly in front of me. The donkey saw me and turned away these three times. If it hadn't turned away from me, I would have just now have killed you and let it live."

I like that the angel is making Balaam feel like an asshole for hitting his donkey but like...you're just going to murder someone because they're walking toward where you're standing in the road? I mean...you can't like...move out of the way?

Balaam's super apologetic to the angel. The personal space obsessed angel tells Balaam to continue on the road after King Balak's men.

Was I supposed to learn something from this situation? Is there some kind of moral here?

Numbers 18-20

18:
Remember how Aaron and his sons and the Levites are priests and have priestly duties? I do and that's why most of this section was unnecessary. But we do learn that the priests can't inherit land but they do get a bunch of the purification offerings to eat, or maybe we had already learned that. We probably already learned that too. I can't keep track anymore.

19:
Lord requires that the Israelites bring a red cow to Moses and Aaron, it must be without defect and flawless because this book is redundant. The red cow must also never have had a yoke laid on it. We can only assume that chickens in this book commonly do their laying on cows perhaps because it's the best way to transport chickens when you're on a 40 year road trip through the desert.

Lord then requires that Eleazar, the priest, you know that priest we've been going on about the whole time and definitely not someone who was just brought up just now, will slaughter the red cow in front of Moses and Aaron. Next, Eleazar must dip his finger in the blood and must forcefully and powerfully sprinkle it around the meeting tent seven times. Then, Eleazar must burn the red cow's skin...and also flesh, and blood, and dung. Eleazar must then add cedarwood, hyssop, and crimsoncloth to the fire. After, Eleazar must wash his clothes and bathe his body. The ashes of the cow then must be gathered and put outside the camp. This is a permanent regulation because reasons.

This is giving me a real witchcraft vibe, but Lord said that witches must be stoned to death. I wonder if this is because he has actually been the supreme all along and wants no competitors.

Maybe the actions of Lord would make more sense to me if he were a Jessica Lange character on American Horror Story. She is quite moody and switches from good to bad, merciful to exacting, and doesn't seem to know what the hell she wants and you're not really sure if her being on your side is all that great but you definitely know you don't want her to be against you. It's all making sense now.

The next section gets into what to do should you make contact with a dead body. The person is unclean for seven days and must be cleansed with the super special purification water, which is water and some ashes from the "purification offering" i.e. a burned up animal, on the third and seventh days. If he misses those days for cleansing, he is then unclean and must be cut off from the community. Here's a thought, maybe it was less the touching of a dead body that made him unclean and more the fact that he only showered twice a week with burned animal ash and a bit of water instead of soap. I guess coroners would be forbidden in this book. No crime solving here. Also surgeons and EMTs can probably only work every seven days.

Also Heathens

20: 
It's at this point that the Israelites are really just in a hostage situation with Lord. They whine about needing minor things like water, (BABIES) so Moses and Aaron go beg Lord. Lord tells them to hit a rock with the staff and it will produce water, so they do that, then Lord gets really pissed?

"Because you didn't trust me to show my holiness before the Israelites, you will not bring this assembly into the land that I am giving them."

Are Moses and Aaron in trouble for asking for help? When did they indicate distrust? They did the stupid rock thing didn't they? So after everything Moses and Aaron went through, after Lord killed off Aaron's sons for basically nothing, they don't get to go to the promised land? For what exactly? WTF Lord? What the actual fuck?

The next section is a pointless interlude where the Israelites try to cross though some land in Edom. Edom's all "no" and the Israelites are all "but we'll be cool" and Edom's all "still no" and that goes on for a bit and then it comes to a exciting conclusion when the Israelites decide to walk around Edom. Side note: I thought Lord said he'd stop any Israelite enemies from hurting them as they went to the Promised Land? Why are Moses and Aaron even still trying?

In the next section, Lord demands that Aaron be punished for his "rebellion" with a bit of slow death. Moses and Aaron's son must take Aaron to the top of Mount Hor, take all his clothes, and leave him to die. The Israelites wept over Aaron's death for 30 days.

I'm struggling to get through this book. No one seems likeable anymore. I really want this Israelite section to be over because it's bumming me out. Is this all building up to an epic revenge story against Lord? Because that's the only way I see myself enjoying the rest of this book. I take back what I said about Lord being like a Jessica Lange character. He's more a Joffrey Lannister type and I hope this book ends with a wedding gone wrong.

Sorry I'm not sorry for all my lazy pop culture references.

Numbers 15-17

Hi again Holy Bible Blog Review readers. It's been a long time. I spent my summer working and studying the GRE which I passed. So now I'm back, at least until I'm a grad student.

I would summarize what we went over last time but this whole blog thing is already a summary of a book so if you need a refresher, read the past entries or don't. You're your own person. Onward!

Chapter 15: 

Lord talks about the kind of food gifts you can/should/absolutely have to give him unless you want to burn with the fire of a thousand suns. It is a very complicated system with very specific instructions about the type of food, down to the gender of the meat, the way it is burned, and the fraction that is to be given. Lord must be such a pain in the ass at restaurants.

If the whole community sins accidentally, and if you have seen how many rules there are, you can see how that can happen, the whole community must offer up a single ram to Lord.

If an individual sins accidentally, they must offer up a one year old female goat.

I can mostly get behind this. I am also more forgiving if people give me food. Though I'm not as picky as Lord. I'll accept any number of food items if you offend me accidentally or purposefully. However, Lord will not accept any food items for purposeful offenses i.e. intentional sin. Lord insists that an individual be forever cut off. He's still working on that whole merciful God thing.

The next section has a mini story. Once upon a time, the Israelites found a man gathering wood on the Sabbath. They took the man to Moses because they weren't sure what to do with him. Moses asks Lord what they should do with the man who did a thing on the Sabaath. Can you guess what Lord suggests? Is it:

a. Burns him with holy righteous fire
b. Has the whole community stone him to death in a way that's sure to bond them
c. Opens the ground beneath him to swallow him whole and also maybe a few innocent bystanders fall in
d. Forgives him and lets the man learn from the experience to then tell others of his super great leader

Hint. It's not d.

I'll tell you at the end of the blog and if you got the answer right, I want you to give yourself a little pat on the back.

The next section is Lord's fashion decree. He wants Moses and the Israelites to sew blue fringe cords on the ends of their clothing...so that they will not explore the lusts of their own heart or eyes?

The fringes help her reflect on her promises to the Lord.

Chapter 16:

250 men from various tribes get all jealous that Moses gets all this special attention from Lord considering they are all supposed to be the chosen people, and try to rise up against him. Moses gets so mad that he falls on his face then suggests that they all light some incense and see if they are worthy to approach the tabernacle.

Moses tries to send for some back up and back up is having none of it. Their reasons...confuse me:

"We won't come up! Isn't it enough that you've brought us up from a land full of milk and honey to kill us in the desert so that you'd also dominate us? Moreover, you haven't brought us to a land full of milk and honey"

You took us away from the land of milk and honey! Moreover, you actually never took us to a land of milk and honey in the first place!

So everyone gets their incense together as an offering to Lord. Moses tells Lord to pay no mind to the offering from the rebels.

Lord: "Stand aside a sec, I'm going to sort this out real quick."

Moses and Aaron:  "Wait, wait, Loooord, you're not planning on killing EVERYONE are you?"

Lord: "Would...that be an issue?"

Moses and Aaron: "Maybe...you could just kill the individuals that were actually causing a problem and not kill the entire community?"

Lord: "Fiiiiine, but everyone better get out of the way because I'm about to open the ground up and if anyone innocent bystanders are too close to the rebels" *shrug*

Lord then tells them to melt down all the incense censers that the rebels used, melt them down, and put them on the altar. He tells them to do this since the incense censers were in Lord's presence, they are now holy. Lord's not too concerned with modesty.

The very next day, after Lord's display of "mercy" more Israelites come to complain some more. They are not pleased with all of the murdering. I wouldn't be too pleased either but at this point, I'd be smart enough to keep that shit to myself. The Israelites are not so Lord plagues them some more with some plagues.

Aaron starts an incense ritual for reconciliation because Lord really calms down when he gets a whiff of that anti stress lemon grass smell. Eventually the plaguing stops, after only about 14,700 chosen people die. There's going to be so much free open space in that Land of Milk and Honey.


Chapter 17:

Lord tells Moses to take a staff from each chief of the twelve households and to write the chiefs' names on the staffs. Aaron takes over the Levi Household because the Levis are part of his priesthood. Once they do this, Aaron's staff sprouts blossoms and almonds which is okay. Everyone in this book seems really impressed with healthy food like almonds and apples. I mean, I think I'd be more inclined to accept Aaron as special if his staff grew waffles and more waffles. Moses shows the staffs to the Israelites and then puts it on the covenant to serve as a sign to the rebels. The Israelites are not pleased.

"We are perishing. We are being destroyed. All of us are being destroyed. Anyone who approaches the LORD's dwelling will die. Are we doomed to perish?"

Probably.

Is this book a long horror novel about an all powerful murderer who starts off with good intentions until he slips into madness?

Did you guess the right punishment for the wood collector? It was b. the community stoned him to death! Give yourself a pat on the back.

I Haven't Given Up On This

In case you were actually worried. I haven't forgotten or given up on this blog. I mostly just have time for working and studying for the GRE at the moment, but will return to the exciting adventures of the bible after August 17th when I take my test. Promise. And to make up for the abandonment, I'll draw another embarrassingly horrible bible related drawing.