Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Exodus 3-4

Chapter 3:

Moses is hanging out doing shepardy things and runs into a burning bush. He does not put out the fire because that burning bush talks to him. There is an angel in the burning bush. Whenever you come across something on fire, before you run off trying to put it out, give it time to talk to you, just in case. God might be sending a message.

Just give it a minute.

God introduces himself though the burning bush and tells Moses to take his damn shoes off because he's on holy ground now.  God gives Moses the spiel about being the God of his father's father's fathers. God has heard the Hebrew slaves cries and will now help them by bringing them to a land flowing with milk and honey which sounds messy, sticky, and unpleasant but I guess the Hebrews are into that. God tells Moses to go to the Pharaoh and get to saving his He-bros with God's help.

Moses wants to know why he was chosen to be the leader which may be the first time anyone has asked that in this book. Everyone else has just been like "Build an ark in 2 weeks? Got it." "Go travel back and forth around the country, build altars and remove my foreskin? I'm your man." Moses wants to know what he should tell the children of Israel. Who should he say sent him? What should he call God? And God's all:


Which is sooooo gangster.  He tells Moses just to go on up to the Hebrew slaves and inform them that he will be their leader and he was chosen by the God of their forefathers. Then go tell the Pharaoh to let everyone go. No biggie. God let's Moses know that he knows the plan won't work because the Pharaoh's going to be a dick about it but Moses should ask just to be polite and when that doesn't work God will do some smiting.

Chapter 4: 

Moses is naturally still skeptical. He asks God how anyone is going to believe him. He knows better than to go around telling people he's been talking to all mighty beings in burning bushes. God's all "hey what's that in your hand?" Moses notices a rod in his hand. God snuck a rod in Moses's hand...which uh...then turns into a snake. Is that like the hole in the popcorn trick? Moses jumps away from the snake. God tells him to pick it up again by the tail and it turns back into a rod.

God messes with Moses some more. "Hey put your hand on your bosom." Then:

"When he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow."

Do you see what happens when you get skeptical? Snakes and leprosy. Moses puts his hand back on his bosom and is just fine. God tells Moses that these 2 weird tricks should convince people but if that still doesn't work to take water from the river and pour it on dry land and that water will turn into...blood. Is God an 8 year old boy?! Can't he do nice tricks?

Moses is then concerned over his public speaking skills. He isn't eloquent and talks slow. God gets sassy:

"Who hath made man's mouth?"

i.e. Hey dummy. I made your mouth. I can make it do whatever I want.

God then informs Moses that he will be with Moses's mouth always:

"Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth"

Moses is still being whiny and suggests that God send someone else. God gets pissed off but says something along the lines of "FINE your brother will speak for you. Have I solved all your problems yet?" Moses runs out of things to bitch about and sets off to Egypt with God's rod in his hand. God tells Moses to demonstrate his neat new tricks to the Pharaoh but tells him that it's not going to work because God himself is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart?:

"When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go."

 So like...is he just fucking with everybody? Like a bored little puppet master?

Anyway, God also tells Moses to tell the Pharaoh that the children of Israel are God's children. Israel was his first son so if the Pharaoh does not let God's first son go or he'll kill the Pharaoh's firstborn.

Then, there's some really shitty transitioning and a section that makes no sense. Just no sense at all people:

"And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art though to me. So he let him go: then she said, a bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision."

1. What did I just read?
2. Who is the "him" God is suddenly trying to kill? Moses? Moses's son?
3. Why would God try to suddenly kill Moses or his son?
4. What?

If someone could explain this all to me. That'd be great.

Now back to the ...story. I guess. God talks to Moses's brother and future spokesperson, Aaron. He tells Aaron to meet Moses in the wilderness. The brothers meet and kiss and get on to talking to the Hebrew elders. They did their special tricks and the elders are excited.

That chapter was super long and frustrating. Until next time.


  1. Exodus 4:24-26 NLT: "On the way to Egypt, at a place where Moses and his family had stopped for the night, the lord confronted him and was about to kill him. But Moses’ wife, Zipporah, took a flint knife and circumcised her son. She touched his feet with the foreskin and said, “Now you are a bridegroom of blood to me.” (When she said “a bridegroom of blood,” she was referring to the circumcision.) After that, the lord left him alone."

    So, here's how it went down. God gave his people a law that they should circumcise their sons when they are 8 days old (see Genesis 17:12). This law is here so that people can show their dedication and sacrifice, and also for health reasons (the Jews don't know that yet). It probably didn't seem as weird back then, but the idea was to trust God knows what he's doing and do what he says. He specifies this age (probably) because it is young enough that they won't remember and, hey, they're going to be crying anyway.

    Moses however, neglected this for some reason -- laziness, fear of being made fun of by his non-Jewish relatives, queeziness around blood maybe. It doesn't say. Anyhow, now Moses is on his way to become a leader to all the Jews. As a leader, he needs to be a good example. This includes following the laws God gave. God doesn't want to give the Jews any reasons to have a problem with Moses. As you'll see, they have so so many problems already.

    So God confronts Moses about it, but he is still being a wimp. His son is 11 to 12 years old and he still hasn't done what God told him to. God is about to punish him very severely for outright defying him when his wife (not Jewish, I might add) picks up the slack and does the job for him. God is happy SOMEONE is listening and leaves them alone. The end.

  2. Sorry that was so long. Also, poor kid. A piece of flint? That couldn't have cut smoothly. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.