The magic pranks continue as God's glorified secretary, Moses, goes back and forth between God and Pharaoh. Here's what goes down:
Moses talks to God.
God says he's going to bring on the frogs.
God brings on the frogs.
Pharaoh says take away the frogs and I'll stop being a dick.
God takes away the frogs.
Pharaoh: just kidding I'm still going to be a dick.
Moses goes to God.
God says he's going to bring on the lice.
God brings on the lice.
Pharaoh says take away the lice and I'll stop being a dick.
God takes away the lice.
Pharaoh: just kidding I'm still going to be a dick.
Moses goes to God.
God says he's going to bring on the flies.
God brings on the flies.
Pharaoh says take away the flies and I'll stop being a dick.
God takes away the flies.
Pharaoh: just kidding I'm still going to be a dick.
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| What reading this chapter was like. |
Chapter 9:
Moses goes to God.
God says he's going to kill the Egyptian cows but not the Israel cows.
God kills the Egyptian cows.
The Pharaoh continues to be a dick.
Moses goes to God.
God tells Moses to throw dust in Pharaoh's face.
Moses does this.
Egyptians get particularly nasty acne.
Pharaoh's fancy magicians can't do shit about this one. Acne stumped them. They fall before Moses.
God still continues to harden Pharaoh's heart. That's right. It's straight up God's fault. He's a bored little puppet master. He's doing this so the people can see the extent of his powers. The ability to give and take nasty magic pranks away. This way people will start talking about him and spread his name around the world. God wants everyone to know his name. Blogging wasn't invented yet so this was the best he could do.
God sends out another nasty prank. This time it's a hail storm. The fiery kind.
If people don't stay in for the day and take the warning seriously, they're going to die. As we have learned in previous chapters about God. He may not always be consistent i.e. sometimes people get away with raping their fathers but when he gives a direct order like "Don't look back" or "Stay inside" or "Don't eat that apple" he is not fucking around.
God brings the fire.
Pharaoh asks if they would kindly stop that and this time he is for sure going to stop being a dick.
God takes away the fire.
Plot twist: The Pharaoh is still a dick.
Chapter 10:
Are you sensing a pattern yet?
Moses goes to God.
God says he's going to bring on the locusts.
God brings the locusts.
aaaaand you see where this is going?
Pharaoh says please take away those locusts and I'll stop being a dick.
God takes away the locusts.
Pharaoh continues being a dick.
Moses goes to God.
God says he's going to bring on total darkness.
God brings on total darkness.
Pharaoh actually becomes marginally less dickish and tells Moses he can take all the COA provided they leave their cattle, since all the Egyptian cattle are now dead. Moses politely declines. The Pharaoh is displeased and continues to keep the COA as slaves. He tells Moses to get out of his face before he murders it.
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