Chapter 15:
Absalom's hobbies include riding in a chariot while 50 men run ahead in front of him. Not attached. Unfortunately, he does not use these men like sled dogs. Though it is not specified whether or not the men are riding in chariots or if they are simply made to run ahead in a parade like fashion, with costumes or possibly topless. Feel free to picture what ever version sparks the most joy for you.
It is not explained why Absalom does this, but we already know he sets fires for attention, so this is not out of character.
Absalom also likes to start his day standing by the city gate waiting for someone who needs help. Absalom helps by telling them that there is no representative for the king for them to talk to:
"If only I were appointed judge of the land, I would see they receive justice."
When Absalom walked the streets, people would bow and kiss his hand. He stole the hearts of the people of Israel; his hands were that stunning.
Absalom continues his mysterious antics by telling David he must go to Hebron. He promised God he would worship in Hebron if he was ever able to return to Jerusalem. This reminds me of when Samuel's mother promised God a baby if he got her pregnant then she gave him the thing she wanted in the first place. No one in this book makes sense.
Absalom leaves for Hebron and begins a political coup through the power of lies and gossip.
"'As soon as you hear the sound of the trumpets, then say, 'Absalom is king in Hebron.'"
Absalom knows that if you keep saying a lie, it will eventually become the truth and literally nothing has changed.
Absalom invites David's best counselors to Hebron, where he holds them captive for their advise. Something to consider doing if you lack mental health insurance.
King David hears that Absalom won all the hearts of Israel. He is king now. Absalom will steal your heart, your girl and your Israel.
David plans an escape and leaves ten concubines in charge of the palace which is the story we would all prefer to read.
Ittai who doesn't matter wants to tag along.
David: "We're literally just going to wander the desert. This never goes well for our people."
David sends Zadok with God's pokeball back to town, believing if God isn't angry with him, he might see it again one day.
Everyone cries which is a waste of fluids when hiking through the desert.
David sends Hushai to give bad counsel to Absalom.
Could several of these characters have been condensed into one character to save time and energy? Yes, yes they could have.
Chapter 16:
David and his men find help but Shimei liked Saul better and expresses his political opinion by throwing rocks at David. David allows this so he can indulge in self pity.
"'My son, my own flesh and blood, is trying to kill me. How much more, then, this Benjamite! Leave him alone; let him curse, for the Lord has told him to. It may be that the Lord will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.'"
God's followers do not take his breakups well. God really is a woman.
Hushai pledges to help Absalom. Absalom is skeptical of help from someone who would betray his king. I would argue accepting help from a counselor who betrays David makes more sense than accepting help from the counselor you stole from David but I am a woman and would be stoned to death for giving an opinion.
The stolen counselor gives Absalom some kinky advise that fulfills a prophecy and presumably the counselor's personal fantasy:
"'Sleep with your father's concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself obnoxious to your father, and the hands of everyone with you will be more resolute.'"
Absalom:
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